


Redemption

by Yummypi31415



Series: The Divine Trilogy [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, DeanCas - Freeform, F/M, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Season/Series 15, Season/Series 16, Slow Burn, Three part series, completes character arcs, explains the empty, fixit fic, ties up loose ends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yummypi31415/pseuds/Yummypi31415
Summary: The tale of the Winchester brothers may have been destined to end bloody but after defeating Chuck, Sam and Dean are finally free to write their own stories. As they begin their new lives, they’re left questioning what they actually want and if a hunter’s journey is ever really over.Part 1: Redemption1) the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil2) the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt.Freed from Chuck’s influence, Sam and Dean start to write their own stories. Sam reluctantly and then willingly becomes a leader of a newly established hunting network. Meanwhile, Dean tries to find peace in a life without hunting but he has one last mission to complete where he might have to pay the ultimate price.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: The Divine Trilogy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133396
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	1. Carry On My Wayward Son

**Author's Note:**

> So I was disappointed in how Supernatural ended. While I can see why certain plot points were used, the conclusion has been bugging me. To me, it felt incomplete and left too many loose threads. So, I’ve decided to take those loose threads and knit myself a blanket in which I can snuggle in as some sort of comfort. I’m not promising an easy journey, but if you're looking for resolution like I am, come join me. 
> 
> As part of “The Divine Trilogy”, this story will be broken up into three parts:
> 
> Part 1: Redemption  
> Part 2: Conviction  
> Part 3: Devotion 
> 
> For Part 1: Redemption, the story picks up right where Season 15 left off but establishes that the finale may not have been what it seemed. This part of the story is a slow build to establish what the boys have been up to since defeating Chuck and what happened in the world after Jack took over. Please stick with it, I promise Part 2 and Part 3 will make it all worth it. I’ve put up the links for Part 2 and Part 3 is case you want to “skip ahead” and get a quick summary of the next sections to see if you’ll be interested in the story.
> 
> For each part, expect several short chapters. This should make it easier for me to edit as I go and will make each chapter a quick read.
> 
> I’ve never written anything like this before, so expect mistakes. Please feel free to leave comments on how I can fix my writing or the story. I really would appreciate the feedback. If the only good that comes out of this story is an improvement in my writing skills, I consider that a win. I’m really new at this and still figuring everything out as I go.
> 
> Content warning:  
> Most of the content in the story is the same as what was featured in the show. Some violence, some language, mentions of death, afterlife, sacrifice, etc. If you are ok with the content of Supernatural the TV Show, I think you should be fine with the content in this post. But please let me know if there is anything that I should be adding as content/trigger warnings.
> 
> As a note, the f word will be used once in Part 1, but because that would still land it a PG-13 rating by the MPA, I figured I’ll keep the teen rating.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas**
> 
> _Once I rose above the noise and confusion  
>  Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion  
> I was soaring ever higher  
> But I flew too high_
> 
> _Carry on, my wayward son  
>  There’ll be peace when you are done  
> Lay your weary head to rest  
> Don’t you cry no more _

**_Cawker City, Kansas, April 2021_ **

Dean jolts up in bed, a sharp pain shooting through his back and into his chest. Gasping for air and clutching his heart, he tries to steady his breathing as he takes in his surroundings.

 _You’re fine. It wasn’t real, it was just a dream._

His eyes begin to adjust as he surveys the dark room. Moonlight streaming in through the window provides enough light to make out basic shapes such as the alarm clock on his nightstand and the worn recliner in the corner. Dean can see the old, leather bound book he was reading, when four hours ago he’d stumbled to bed to rest his eyes. He takes in the rough texture of the wood panel walls of the cabin he now calls home. Sitting up, he rests his head in hands. 

_It was just a dream._

Or rather, it was a shadow reality. That’s what Sam calls them. Since the brothers and Jack defeated Chuck five months ago, Sam and Dean had been experiencing visions of their deaths. The visions were becoming less frequent, but that didn’t make them any less unnerving when they did occur. 

_You’re fine, just breathe._

Dean tries to reach around to touch the area on his back where in his dream, he’d felt a piece of rebar puncher his lungs. He had slowly bled to death while his brother watched in horror, unable to save him. Looking down at his hand, Dean half expects to see blood. 

_It wasn’t real. You’re still here._

When the dreams first started, Dean thought he was losing his mind. But, when he worked up the courage to casually mention them to Sam, Sam confessed he was having them too. Sam told Dean he believes the shadow realities are caused by Chuck’s influences gradually fading. Because the visions are similar to the ones Sam saw when he was linked to Chuck through the equalizer connection, Sam thinks now that Chuck’s control over the world is fully severed, the brothers are glimpsing the last drafts of their final ending. This theory doesn’t provide much comfort to Dean as he lies awake at night, knowing Chuck might still hold some power over him. 

_Breathe. You’re safe._

Dean takes a deep inhale as his breathing becomes more steady. He tries not to think about what he saw in his dream. Sam says he’s grateful the shadow realities are becoming less frequent but Dean doesn’t want to admit he fears when the visions stop entirely because when he isn't seeing his own death, his dreams are filled with images of all those he’s failed: Jo, Ellen, Charlie, Kevin, Mom, Cas. 

_Cas._

Dean gets up out of bed, feeling the sudden urge to move. He pads into the small kitchen. The old wooden floor creaks softly, cutting through the stillness of the night. The only other sounds are the rustling of leaves and the gentle snoring of a snoozing Miracle.

Dean reaches into the cupboard to grab a glass and he fills it with cold water from the sink. It’s quiet here. That’s why he moved, to find his own sense of peace. 

_You’re safe._

He knows this, he knows he’s safe for now. But he also recognizes his next mission could be his last.


	2. I Won’t Back Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty**
> 
> _Well, I won’t back down  
>  No, I won’t back down  
> You can stand me up at the gates of hell  
> But I won’t back down_
> 
> _No, I’ll stand my ground  
>  Won’t be turned around  
> And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down  
> Gonna stand my ground_

The loud clang of the bunker front door jerks Sam awake. His heart races and when he moves his hand to it, his finger tips brush against Eileen’s soft skin. Her warmth radiates against him, where she is curled up on his side. The slow and steady rhythm of her breathing a sign that she’s still asleep. Moving slowly, Sam works his way out of bed without waking her.

Pulling on an old sweatshirt, he heads to the Library. Though it’s early, a small group of hunters are gathered around the tables. Their dirty and torn clothes hint that they just came back from a hunt but the grins on their faces give Sam hope it was a successful one. Bobby and Stevie are unpacking and inventorying their supplies and Charlie is sitting at one of the desks, typing away on her computer to update the details about the case into her newly created hunter’s database. Bringing over a first aid kit, Stevie starts cleaning the cut on Charlie’s cheek. Charlie continues her work but when she winces from the burn of the antiseptic, Stevie presses a gently kiss to her temple. Charlie turns from the screen to give Stevie a crooked smile and mouths silently, “We did it.” 

In one corner of the room is a large white board that includes a map of the US, with arrows pointing to different cities and a list of ongoing hunts. After squeezing Charlie’s hand, Stevie walks over to the board and picking up a marker, crosses out “Alabama Nest”. The small group lets out a cheer and Bobby pats Charlie on the shoulder. 

“Nice job everyone,” Sam calls out from the doorway.

The team, previously unaware of Sam presence, turn to face him. 

Charlie attempts to whisper but she can’t control her excitement, “Oh, sorry Sam, did we wake you?” 

Sam moves to read over the notes Charlie is typing and reassures, “I would rather be woken up from a victory than sleep through a defeat. Congratulation, taking down the Alabama nest is a big win.” From the preliminary research the team did prior to the hunt, the Alabama nest was suspected to include at least twelve vampires, who in the past week had left a bloody trail of dozens of bodies between Birmingham and Montgomery. Cleaning out the nest meant the team saved a lot of innocent lives. 

The team members continue to beam at one another. Bobby turns to Sam with his hand still on Charlie’s shoulder. “The real hero tonight is Charlie. This database she’s setting up. We are finally able to track down these bastards.” Bobby beams down at Charlie like a proud father and Sam agrees about the value of Charlie’s database. Since returning from Chuck’s “Thanos Moment”, Charlie had been diligently working on digitizing and sorting all the reference material in the bunker so the resources could be shared with hunters all over the world. Using the uploaded data, she set up a system that scans all media outlets for key words in order to detect potential hunts. It’s a daunting and unglamorous task but has proven to be invaluable during the last several big hunts. Information is turning out to be the most useful weapon in their arsenal. 

“Well, that deserves a celebration. I’ll go make some coffee and breakfast while you all get cleaned up.” 

Still buzzing from their win, the crew shuffle towards the living quarters of the bunker, their enthusiasm reverberating through the walls. 

Sam quickly scans through the rest of Charlie’s notes and is impressed with the attention to detail in her report. These type of records will be vital in training the next generation of hunters, if another generation is even needed. It’s been five months since they defeated Chuck, and ever since then the number of monsters to hunt has been on a steady decline. Jack’s parting gift for the brothers was removing the hunger supernatural creatures felt, creating a world where creatures no longer needed to kill humans in order to survive. While they were still finding cases where monsters killed for fun, the number of attacks were dwindling. But that wasn’t all. From what Sam can see, much like the Winchesters, the whole world has begun to heal. The past few years had been difficult for everyone. While the Winchesters were fighting Heaven and Hell, humanity torn itself apart though division, plagues and chaos. But when Chuck’s control shattered, a glimmer of hope streamed in through the cracks left behind. When Jack took over on that chilly November morning, the clouds parted and the sun came out so the whole world could rejoice, even if they didn’t know why they were celebrating. As Jack promised, the world was improving because humanity, when actually given the choice, chose to be better. While unnecessary violence and death still exist, Sam can see the promise of the future. The same future Kelly predicted. All over the world, people are starting to put down their literal and metaphorical weapons and beginning to listen to each other, giving hope for better days ahead. 

Sam heads to the kitchen and starts up the coffee maker. The alluring aroma fills the room. He pulls out the eggs from the fridge and his mind wanders as he begins the meditative process of preparing breakfast for his team. 

His team. To Sam, the idea of being a part of an official team still feels strange. He’d always felt like an outsider. But Bobby, Charlie and Stevie are just three people out of the nearly fifty member operation that Sam founded. Really, the formation of the new operation was all because of Eileen. About a month Post-Chuck when Eileen was starting to become a frequent visitor of the bunker, she got frustrated with Sam aimlessly wandering the halls and mindlessly flipping through reference books. He wasn’t ready to go on any hunts, having just nearly lost everything, but he also didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. Eileen told him, _“You have the bunker, the resource materials and that big brain of yours. There is more to saving people than chopping off monster heads. Go, do some good in the world, whatever that might be.”_

So Sam reluctantly started to make phone calls to other hunters to hear their thoughts about starting up a network and he was surprise by how people responded. Slowly, he reestablished the bunker as a hunting base and started to help out on cases by providing research assistance and tactile advice. While he still went out on the occasional hunts, he was finding he was most valuable behind the scenes. The new organization started to refer to themselves as “The Network”, because as Eileen pointed out, “The Men of Leaders” is inherently sexist in both name and history. They wanted a fresh start, so The Network was born.

But, becoming a leader didn’t come easy to Sam. Often times, he wants to run away from the responsibilities. The death of every hunter he has lead haunts him. But he knows he needs to face those demons and he’s finally able to thanks to Eileen. She gave him the courage to take on his new role. Sam had expected her to want to take on a leadership position as well but her response when asked was, _“If I am in the bunker, I can’t be out in the field, doing what I do best.”_

For Sam, by forming The Network, he escaped the role destiny had chosen for him. He’s no longer the boy with the demon blood or Lucifer’s vessel. He’s Sam Winchester, who has friends and family he loves and a purpose in life that is making the world a better place. 

But everything isn't perfect in Sam’s new life. It pains him to see his brother struggling to adjust. Dean, who has always been there for Sam, who always puts everyone’s needs before his own, who would do anything for those he considered family, is in pain and there is nothing Sam can do to help him. Sam had witnessed his brother deal with loss before, but this time is different. With Castiel’s death, Sam expected anger. He anticipated broken chairs, kicked in doors and bruised knuckles. He wasn’t prepared for the silence. After losing Castiel to the Empty, Dean hadn’t lashed out; rather he retreated inward. Everyone could see Dean is trying his best to move on with his life, to _“not let Cas’s sacrifice be in vain,”_ but Sam knows Dean is adrift in the world. The anger that was so ingrained in Dean’s personality has been quenched but with it, so has his passion for life, transforming him into a muted version of his previous self. 

But Sam can’t do anything for Dean right now. Right now, he needs to make breakfast for his crew. As Sam stands at the stove, scrambling the eggs, he feels a set of arms wrap around his middle. 

“Something smell good,” Eileen mumbles into his back. 

Sam turns to face her and brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Good morning.” He signs as he leans down and kisses her forehead. 

Eileen wrinkles her nose and grabs a cup of coffee. Sam watches her as she takes a deep inhale. 

“What’s your plan today?” Sam signs. 

“Still working on that translation. I think I’m getting close to cracking it but I’ll need another cup of coffee to make it through that mess.” Between hunts, Eileen’s been working on deciphering an antiquated text. The pages of the book are yellow and curled with age. The name “Beatrice” is written across the front of the brown leather cover in gold lettering. By how worn and aged the book looks, Sam would’ve expected it to be locked away in a climate controlled case, with access limited to only a selected number of scholars. But instead of being hidden behind library walls and red tape, the book’s been a fixture to Eileen’s side whenever she’s in the bunker. Sam has found her multiple times, huddled in her favorite chair in the library, writing down her notes in a black moleskin journal, brow furrowed in concentration. Eileen started working on translation about four months ago and when Sam asked her about it, she replied, “It’s an old journal that a friend found. Right now, I’m not sure if it’s anything. But if it turns out to be something useful, you’ll be the first person I’ll tell.”

Eileen takes another sip from her mug. “What about you? What are your plans?” 

“I told Claire I would look over a potential case she is working on. And then, I think I’m going to stop by and check on Dean.” 

Eileen gives Sam a soft smile. He knows she can also sees Dean’s pain. Dean told them he just needs some time and space to think, to adjust to the new world. That’s why he’d moved out to the cabin, for the peace and quiet. But Dean’s move hasn’t been easy for Sam, whose use to seeing his brother every day. Now, it’s been over a week since Sam‘s seen or heard from him, the twenty minute drive to Dean’s cabin created a sudden distance between the brothers. It’s a distance they both needed to start their own lives but Sam feels like he’s missing a part of himself and he assumes Dean does as well. 

Eileen tops off her cup and stands by Sam. “That’s a good plan, it’ll be good for both of you.” She rests her head on his shoulder as he continues to make breakfast.


	3. Fly By Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Fly By Night” by Rush**
> 
> _Why try?  
>  I know why  
> This feeling inside me says, “It’s time I was gone”  
> Clear head, new life ahead  
> It’s time I was king, now not just one more pawn_
> 
> _Fly by night,  
>  away from here  
> Change my life again_
> 
> _Fly by night, goodbye, my dear  
>  My ship isn’t coming and I just can’t pretend_

Dean heaves a heavy axe above his head and then brings it crashing down, splintering the log in front of him in two. He kicks the pieces to the side and places a new log on the stump. 

The process is soothing to Dean, using an axe for a purpose other than killing. He’d consumed most of his firewood supply over the bitterly cold winter and while the weather was improving, he didn’t want to be caught unprepared by an unexpected April storm. But more so, he knows he needs to be productive. That had been his mistake when he first moved out here. For weeks, he didn’t leave the cabin. Getting out of bed each day became a chore. He had to find some way to be productive, so he took a job in town at an auto shop to work on restoring old cars. He’s good at it. So good that the owner doesn’t ask too many questions about his past. The problem is that on his days off, his mind wanders and he feels restless. So, he keeps moving, he just needs to keep moving. 

Feeling sweat run into his eyes, he wipes his forearm against his forehead. The early April air is chilled but the exertion of chopping wood is keeping him warm. Running a hand through his grown out hair and scratching at his now filled in beard, he scoffs at how he’s adapt the “wildness aesthetic” as Claire called it when she stopped by last month for a visit. Staring off in the distance, he spots Sam’s black Mustang coming towards his cabin. “Sammy,” he thinks with a smile. 

Dean waits next to the gravel driveway as Sam parks behind the large carport that shelters both Baby and Cas’s truck. Dean used Cas’s truck a few months ago for a supply run. Returning her to the bunker hadn’t felt right, so he decided to keep her here instead. Having her parked in his drive next to Baby gives him a strange sense of peace, like she is just waiting for her owner to return. 

Sam gets out of his Mustang and Dean wraps him in a tight hug. Hugging wasn’t how they use to greet each other but since the stretches between visits have become longer, the greeting only seems appropriate. Dean didn’t know which one had initiated this new ritual, but he doesn’t mind it. 

“Man, what have you been doing? You’re really sweaty.” Sam chuckles. 

“Shut up, I know you miss my musk.” Dean pulls away and his smile almost reaches his eye.

Sam slaps Dean on the back, “Yeah, I do.” 

Dean hold his brother’s shoulders at arms length and studies his face. The tension Sam use to carry in his forehead has eased. He has a good week’s worth of stubble, which Dean takes to mean that he hasn’t been on a job in at least that long. Dean can see a few streaks of grey hair around Sam’s temple. But what Dean notices the most is how tall his brother is standing. But his new stature isn’t just from his actual height but from how Sam is carrying himself now with a new sense of pride, like he’s no longer weighed down by guilt and shame. 

“I wasn’t expected you but I’m glad you’re here.” Dean is pleased to see his brother and is relieved that he appears to be happy in his new life. But Dean is surprised how Sam has found peace in hunting. Dean had always hoped Sam would leave the life one day. Bringing Sam back in all those years ago is something Dean regrets. Given the choice, Dean had assumed Sam would choose a normal life. But here Sam is, finally free from Chuck’s plan and still continuing the family business. But regardless of how content Sam seems, Dean still worries. He knows he’ll always worry. He’s anxious about not being able to protect Sammy now that they are no longer hunting together. But Dean knows, he needs to step away so Sam can grow on his own. As long a Dean is around, Sam will allows be his little brother. When Dean stepped back, Sam was given the space to become his own man and by how at ease Sam seems, Dean can tell he made the right choice. 

Sam reaches into the passenger seat of his car and pulls out a greasy take-out bag from Josie’s. “I needed a break from the command center and I wanted to come by to see you.” Sam lightly shoves at Dean but Dean can read the tells of Sam’s concern. Dean doesn’t want his brother to worry about him. That’s his job. Dean’s main goal in life has always been to do what is best for his little brother. So right now, that means Dean must push down his own pain so Sam can be find peace. 

Forcing a grin, Dean takes the bag from Sam. “Let me clean up and we can catch up.”


	4. Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise” by The Avett Brothers**
> 
> _There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light  
>  In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right  
> And it comes in black and it comes in white  
> And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it _

While Dean heads to the bathroom to wash up, Sam takes a look around. Dean had gotten the place dirt cheap after the previous owner abandoned the cabin claiming it was haunted. Well, it had been but an old school salt and burn was all Dean needed to make the abandoned cabin his new home. Sam had thrown in a couple of cleansing rituals as a house warming gift, just incase. Now ghost free, the cabin is neat and orderly, with evidence of Dean scattered throughout. A vinyl record player is positioned against one side of the living room area. A small collection of “Classic Cars Magazine” is stacked on the kitchen table. In front of Sam, Dean’s room is set up much the same as it was in the bunker, except for the exclusion of the guns on the wall and the addition of a window that lets in natural light. To his right, Sam peers into the empty spare bedroom. The room is clean but bare, lacking the warmth of the other rooms. 

Heading into the kitchen, Sam checks in the fridge for a drink. Something he’s noticed but will never mention is how ever since Dean moved into his new place, there is a curious absence of alcohol. In the past, Dean used and abused alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism, not that Dean had any healthy coping mechanisms. His excessive drinking was something both brothers knew was a problem but was never a topic open for discussion. Dean always managed to toe the line but Sam was still nervous about how close Dean got to the edge. That is why the current lack of alcohol comforts Sam, demonstrating his brother is trying his best, even if he isn’t ready to talk yet.

“There’re actual vegetables in here. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” Sam shouts at Dean through the closed door.

“Don’t judge Bobby Flay. Now that we lost our hero privileges, I realized I might actually have to start eating like a normal person.” Dean calls out from the bathroom as he turns on the shower. Sam takes in the stacks of raw meat and thinks, while Dean has changed, he hasn’t changed that much. 

Sam smiles and grabs a water from the fridge. He consults his phone to see if he missed any calls. He ambles from the kitchen through the open living space to sit on the couch, where a content Miracle is nuzzling at her chew toy. Dean, with a dog, another surprising detail of their new lives. 

Sam checks his surroundings and sees an open black moleskin notebook covered in scribbles. Curious, Sam picks up the notebook. He heart drops when familiar words jump off the page: “the Empty” “grace”, “portal”. Flipping through, page after page references the Empty with different hypothesis written down and then scratched out. There are details about the time Nick summoned Lucifer and when Jack woke up Castiel. The realization hits Sam hard. Dean’s still trying to summon the Empty. Sam’s nightmare is coming true. Engrossed in what he’s found, Sam doesn’t hear Dean come out from the bathroom. 

“Alright, is my smell now acceptable? I think you’ve been living with Eileen too long that a little man stench bothers you.” Dean freezes when he sees the notebook in Sam’s hand. 

“Dean, what is this?” 

“Sam.” Dean states, offering no explanation or excuse. 

“Dean, you can’t.” Sam pauses, trying to gather himself together. “Jack told us, he is going to be hands off. He can’t help us this time.” 

“I know,” Dean grabs a water from the fridge and leans against the table in the kitchen, keeping his distance. 

Sam puts down the notebook. “We talked about this. I miss Cas too, I really do, but we can’t keep repeating our same mistakes. Every time we try to bring someone back, there are consequences. So we need to let go and move on.” 

Sam remembers the conversation they had after Jack became the new God. After years of fighting, they were finally free. Having reunited with Eileen, Sam was ready to start his life on his own terms. Then Dean asked how they were going to Cas back. But they couldn’t do that. Jack was different from Chuck and this was their fresh start. Sam and Dean argued that night and for several nights after about what it would mean to bring Cas back, if they even could. The disagreement hadn’t ended but rather reached an uneasy stalemate when the brothers decided to leave the conversation unresolved. 

Sam sighs. “Dean, Cas is gone. From what we know about the Empty, that is where beings like him go to rest. Cas chose that fate, so we have to respect his decision. I know this is hard and I know how you feel…”

Dean cut him off “You know how I feel?” Dean laughs bitterly, “You didn’t have to give anyone up. You got Eileen back. You got your whole crew back.”

“And I lost Jack.” 

A long silence stretches between them, pull thin like a rubber band and ready to snap. 

Sam isn’t able to take the tension much longer. “We can’t keep going in this cycle over and over again. First Mom saved Dad, then Dad saved you, and then you saved me. At some point, it has to stop.”

Dean closes his eyes and bows his head. He goes to sit by his brother and picks up the notebook. “Sam, I don’t know if any of this is possible. But, I won’t do anything without telling you. I want to do it right. But Sam, I have to at least try. I owe him that much.” 

With that, the brother reach another standstill. When enough time has passed that the conversation can be changed over to lighter subjects, the brother retire to the back porch to watch the sunset over the lake. Eventual, Sam reluctantly leaves Dean and heads back to Eileen and his life with the Network.


	5. Ain’t Wastin’ Time No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Ain’t Wastin’ Time No More” by The Allman Brothers Band**
> 
> _Last Sunday mornin’ the sunshine felt like rain  
>  The week before they all seemed the same  
> With the help of God and true friends I’ve come to realize  
> I still have two strong legs, and even wings to fly  
> So I ain’t wastin’ time no more, ‘cause time goes by  
> Like hurricanes and faster things_

Dean remembers the first time his father showed him around Baby’s engine. He can still smell the oil and feel the warmth radiating from the engine. Growing up, on the few occasions when there was a break between hunts, Dean would spend lazy afternoons listening to classic rock radio and his father’s advice. His father explained what sounds to listen for when the engine turns over and what to look for when the oil needs changing. _“Treat her right and she will treat you right,”_ was one of the few pieces of advice his father past down to him that wasn’t tied to violence. Perhaps that’s why when Dean could no longer face the hunting life, he found solace underneath the hoods of classic cars. Thankfully his talent as a mechanic wasn’t due to Chuck’s influence. His skills were earned through hours of hard work and years of experience. So, when research on the Empty ran dry and he was stuck waiting for new leads to surface, at least he could vent his frustration by repairing an old engine block or rebuilding a rusted transmission.

Dean rolls himself out from under a 1979 Mustang. Standing, he admires his work. When she came into the shop two months ago, she was covered in rust, grease, and years of neglect. But, perseverance and elbow grease has turned her into the shiny vision that is now before him. This beauty hasn’t run since ‘09 but if Dean did his work right, she’ll be starting up for the first time in over a decade. 

Wiping off his hands, he looks around the shop he now calls his refuge. A banner on the wall reads, “Viv’s Classic Auto” in bold black and white lettering. Viv herself had taken him on despite his lack of references and sketchy work history. Sitting in her office, she said, “I can tell you’re a man who is looking to start over and I’ve learned that everyone deserves a second shot at life.”

The shop runs with a light crew, including Viv, her daughter Sally, and a couple of other mechanics who mostly keep to themselves. But Dean feels at ease here. He enjoys watching the interacts between Viv and Sally. Dean can see that Sally will someday grow up to be just like Viv, the warm and compassionate caretaker of this family institution.

Dean recalls the tour Viv gave him when he first started. She pointed out all the important details such as his work station, the coffee machine and the first aid kit. The place was as neat as a working garage could be and he overheard an Allman Brothers Band song playing from one of the other mechanic’s stereo. Viv and Dean were discussing his work schedule outside of her office, when he noticed a photo hanging on the wall. In the picture, a young girl was holding hands with her little brother and gazing up with admiration at her father. They were standing in front of this same shop, only forty some years before when the sign out front still read “Ramon’s Auto.” The words on the bottom of the picture read “Ramon Ramirez, owner/operator, Vivian age 10, and Victor age 6.” When Viv saw Dean studying the photo, she interjected, “My father always said a family legacy never ends as long as we remember those who came before us and we build a better future for those that will come after us.” That was what had sold Dean on Viv and Viv’s Classic Auto. He thought then, _this is the place where I need to be_. 

Dean eases into the front seat of the Mustang and turns the key in the ignition. The car smoothly purrs into life and Dean almost smiles. 

“You work miracles,” calls out Sally. 

“Nah, no miracles, I’m just that good.” Dean gives her a smirk and she rolls her eyes. 

“So, what was the problem?” She asks, leaning against the passenger door to talk to him through the rolled down window. Dean turns off the engine and hops out. 

“Too many things, but mostly, she just needed some love and attention.” Dean lightly taps the hood. 

“Mr. Turner will be ecstatic that she’s running again. I think he’d abandoned all hope.” 

Dean moves to his work bench beside the car so he can start gathering up his tools for the end of the work day. He wipes down the socket set before placing it in his tool box. “He shouldn’t have given up on her. Like anything worth having in life, you just got to keep at it and not walk away when it gets hard.”

“Yeah, but sometimes the smart decision is to walk away.” Sally stares down at her hands and picks at the grease underneath her finger nails. 

Dean leans against the bench to watch her. “Why do I get the feeling we aren’t talking about cars anymore?” 

Dean can see heartbreak written across Sally’s face, the clues as obvious as the neon sign that hangs outside of the shop. Three months ago, Jim Robinson came in with a 1982 DeLorean and Sally, bless her heart, had been smitten ever since. Jim had become a frequent customer of Viv's, partially because his car is a DeLorean and needs a lot of work, but also, at least from Dean’s perspective, to see Sally. The blatant staring, the touching of hands that lasted a little longer than necessary, the standing closer than normal, it is both a tragedy and a comedy that neither one has managed to pick up on how the other feels. 

“If I was Jim, I would be doing anything to swept you off your feet if you looked at me the way you look at him. But in his defense, he’s kind of oblivious. Have you talk to him about how you feel?” 

Sally shifts nervously as she gathers up her own set of tools. “It’s just a stupid crush and I know he doesn’t feel the same way.” 

“But do you know?” When Sally doesn’t answer, Dean continues, “Look, I’ve lived one hell of a life, a life that you can’t even imagine.” 

“Oh yeah Liam Neeson? You got a special set of skills I don’t know about?” Sally snarks back.

Dean rolls his eyes and wonders why he even talks to Gen Z’ers or whatever this new generation was calling themselves. No respect. But he continues anyway, “Take the advice from a grouchy old man who’s seen it all. Jim might not feel the same way you do, but you’ll never know unless you ask. Don’t waste your time wondering what if. Life’s too short.”

“Great, now are you going to tell me that I have to risk falling if I ever want to fly?” 

“Well, now I’m not. I’ll save that gem for my inspirational poster side hustle.” Dean replies sarcastically but he can recognize his own brand of defensiveness in Sally’s response. He knows that she’s heard him, even if she isn’t willing to admit it, so he continues, “I think he might be as scared as you. And if that's true, one of you is going to have to be the brave one and I put money on it being you.” 

Sally nods and smiles gently as she continues to pack up the rest of her tools. Dean shakes his head and wonders how his life has gone from stopping the apocalypse to consoling heart sick coworkers, as is he has any expertise in the matters of the heart.


	6. So He Won’t Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“So He Won’t Break” by The Black Keys**
> 
> _Gone like the wind  
>  And the state it put him in  
> To hold his head high  
> When he really wanna die_
> 
> _And you know the difference it makes  
>  And you know all that it takes  
> Is love, so he won’t break  
> He won’t break _

Sam scans through the files Jody sent over regarding the suspected rouge werewolf pack outside of Oklahoma City. His mind keeps wandering, so he strolls back to the top of the page and re-reads what he just read. To his left, Eileen is hunched over a set of reference material. 

With a huff, Eileen closes the book. When Sam looks at her, she lets out a sigh and says, “Are we going to talk about it yet?”

“About what?” Sam signs.

Frustrated, Eileen signs, ”Really?” Eileen rolls her eyes and continues, “I know something happened between you and Dean. You’ve been moping around for the past three days. And I can’t take it anymore. What happened?” 

Sam closes his laptop. Communication, the key to a healthy relationship. “Dean’s trying to bring back Cas from the Empty.” 

Eileen gives him a look, “…and you’re surprised?” When she signs “surprised”, it’s dripping with sarcasm. 

“No, but… He can’t and he shouldn't. Haven’t we learned our lesson yet? We can’t keep bringing people back. Jack gave us a reset and we need to let things be. We shouldn’t mess with the natural order.” 

Eileen raises an eyebrow, “Natural order? You came back from the dead how many times? And you helped me come back.”

“You were different.” 

“How?” Eileen signs, exasperated.

Sam hadn’t expected Eileen to be on Dean’s side and he’s feeling a bit defensive. “That was before. It’s different now. Where do we draw the line? Who don’t we bring back? What will happen if we do bring Castiel back?” Sam adverts his eyes and starts searching around the desk for a distraction. 

Eileen reaches a hand out to Sam’s arm and when Sam looks at her, she holds his gaze. “In our lives, we’ve lost so many. Too many. But we have to assume that they’re in a better place. You know better than anyone, a better places does exist. Trying to bring our friends and family back would be cruel, so I agree with you, as much as we might miss those we’ve lost, we can’t bring them back. We have to let them go.” 

Eileen moves a bit closer to Sam so she can put her other hand on his arm. “But with Castiel, we know the Empty is his Hell. He described it as a cold, cruel existence of nothingness. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“Wait, how do you know what it is like in the Empty?”

“Cas and I talked about it. My time in Hell, his time in the Empty.” Eileen gives a casual shrug but Sam is stunned. Not only has he never heard any specifics about Castiel’s time in the Empty, he’s surprised Eileen talked to Cas about her time in Hell.

Sam bows his head before he looks back to Eileen. “But what about the consequences?” 

“Is that fear? Not from a Winchester.”

“Maybe I’m scared because I’ve never realized how much I have to lose.”

“Hey,” Eileen tucks her finger under Sam’s chin, “I’m not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of me that easy.”

Sam breathes a heavy sigh and gives a slight nod. He reopens his laptop. He’ll think about the Empty and his brother’s mission later, but first he needs to help Jody with her hunt.


	7. Wish You Were Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd**
> 
> _How I wish, how I wish you were here_
> 
> _We're just two lost souls  
>  Swimming in a fish bowl  
> Year after year_
> 
> _Running over the same old ground  
>  What have we found?_
> 
> _The same old fears_
> 
> _Wish you were here_

Dean sits on his back porch with Miracle by his side. The day was warm enough that he’d decided to move his research outside. Stacks of reference material are beside him but after months of searching, he is finding there isn’t much information to go on. So far he’s comes up, well, empty about the Empty. Based on his research and what he knows first hand, he can only find three instances of an angel coming back. The first was when Jack woke Cas after Lucifer killed him. Cas persisted to annoy the Empty enough to be cast out. The second was when Nick summoned Lucifer using a summoning spell with Jack’s blood. The third was when Chuck returned Lucifer to steal his Death Book. The problem is, all these methods either involve cooperation with the Empty or celestial beings that are no longer on the board. 

What Dean can’t figure out is why Jack hasn’t saved Cas yet. Dean thinks the reason is either because Jack lacks the same abilities as Chuck or because, his thoughts turn dark, Jack doesn’t want to save him. 

But that doesn’t make sense. Yes, Dean has a complicated relationship with Jack. Dean both fears and cares for him. But through all the highs and lows, Jack’s proved that he’s a good person and that he’s family. Regardless of what Jack might think about Dean, Jack saw Cas as a father, so if there was anyway that Jack could save Cas, he would’ve done so already. There must be something stopping him. A sickening feeling hits Dean when he thinks perhaps the reasons why Jack hasn’t saved Cas yet is because Cas doesn’t want to be saved. 

_Come on Cas, be your annoying self and get your feathery ass down here._

Dean stares up to the sky and calls out "Cas, you got your ear on? It’s me again. Not sure if you get reception where you are but you could do us all a solid and come back now. You did it before, so you know, do it again. We really miss you buddy, so come back to us if you can.”

When nothing happens, Dean bows his head. 

_Why didn’t you tell me about your deal?_   
_Why didn’t you talk to me?_   
_Why didn’t you ask for help?_

_Cas, can you even hear me?_

Dean raises his head. Nothing, after all these months and after all his prayers, he still has heard nothing. 

To drown out his frustration, he turns up his portable stereo. The benefit of having no neighbors is he can play his music as loud as he wants. Which is why he doesn’t hear the car approach or the footsteps coming from the front of the cabin.

“Mind if I join you?” Asks a familiar voice. 

Startled, Dean reaches for his gun underneath a nearby table and aims in the direction of the voice. 

“Whoa! Easy there! I come in peace.” Jody calls out with her hands raised. 

“Jody!” Dean exhales and lower his gun. He turns down the music and goes to wrap her in a tight hug. “What are you doing here?” 

“I’m meeting up with Sam and Eileen to work on a case in Oklahoma City, but wanted to stop by to see you first.” Jody pulls away from their hug and puts a soft hand on Dean’s face. “How are you doing?”

“Living the dream,” Dean flashes her his signature smile, dimples and all. 

Jody raises an eyebrow, giving him a knowing look. “Dean?”

“Jody,” Dean replies dryly. 

“How are you really doing?”

“Surviving,“ Dean smirks. He figures the response is enough of the truth that she won’t ask follow up questions but not too much of the truth that she’ll worry. Obviously, these visits are planned, the somewhat regular rotation of familiar faces showing up at his door because they are “in the area.” Part of the reason he’s been trying to pull himself together is that the pitying looks he receives from everyone he considers family has become too much. The least he could do is put on a mask because there is no reason they should suffer as much as him. 

Jody makes herself comfortable in one of the rocking chairs on the porch and Dean goes into the cabin to get two glasses of ice tea. He returns, handing one glass to her as he settles in for what he expects will be a heart to heart. 

As expected, Jody breaks the silence, “I’m proud of you.”

Dean scoffs. “For what, hiding out in the wilderness? Leaving you and the others to save the world without me.”

Jody shakes her head, “No, I’m proud of you for having the strength to walk away and get a normal life. I can tell that you see it as weakness but it has taken a lot of courage for you to finally do something for yourself.” Dean shifts uncomfortably but Jody continues. “I’m so proud of you. We all are.”

Dean doesn’t feel like he deserves praise and certainly doesn’t see leaving the hunting life as a sign of strength. Deep down, he knows he’s a coward. He’d gone on a few hunts Post Chuck, but the thrill was no longer there. He didn’t have an appetite for killing anymore and so the times between hunts became longer. He stopped all together when he realized the visions of his own death were making him hesitate. The shadow realities had showed him not only how hunts could go wrong but what would happen to him when they did. Dean had seen what came after his curtain call and he wasn’t ready for that ending. So he would hesitate when going around corners, he would hesitate to follow the sound down the hall and he would hesitate to open the shut door. The problem was hesitating was something that couldn’t be done on a hunt. That is how you get yourself or others killed. So when a close call with a vampire in Canton, Ohio ended with Dean getting stab in the back, an injury that required Sam to give him fifteen messy stitches, Dean walked away. He couldn’t take any more chances, not until he found Cas. 

Jody's voice brings him back to the present, “You know that we love you Dean,” Dean’s eyes dart up to Jody and she smiles as she looks out at the lake in front of them, “You’re a good man, you deserve this.”

Dean supposes he does deserve this life, but what part of this life did he deserve? The peace of a mundane existence or the suffocating guilt of leaving his friends behind. 

As the day light fades, Jody says her goodbyes and heads out to meet up with Sam and Eileen. But Dean stays outside on the porch to taken in the chilled evening air. As the sky turns dark, he watches shooting stars streak across the Heavens, reminding him of the night that the angels fell, so he whispers out one final prayer for the evening, “Cas, I wish you were here.”


	8. I Don’t Want To Change You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Wherever you are  
>  You know that I adore you_
> 
> _No matter how far  
>  Well, I can go before you_
> 
> _And if ever you need someone  
>  Well, not that you need helping_
> 
> _But if ever you want someone  
>  Know that I am willing_
> 
> _Oh and I don't want to change you_  
>  I don't want change you,  
> I don't want to change your mind 

Sam stares at Eileen, who’s sitting across from him in the bunker library. Sam takes in the tension in her shoulders as she concentrates on the mysterious book in front of her. She’s been working on the translation more intensely the last week, so Sam wonders if she’s getting close to figuring it out. Eileen absentmindedly rubs the wrist she sprained during a salt and burn two days ago. The injury isn’t major but the brace is a stark reminder that hunting is not without risks and her safety is not guaranteed. A part of Sam wants to tell Eileen to take a step back, that the job is too dangerous. But saving people is a part of who she is and Sam can’t ask her to give it up, no matter how much he worries. 

Sam doesn’t know when it happened. He can’t pin point the exact time or place, but at some point in the last year, he’d fallen in love with Eileen. After defeating Chuck, Sam was lost. Cas was gone and Jack, while technically everywhere and in everything, was no longer around. Sam had felt a sense of unease, like for the first time, he was living without a safety net, without a map, and without a purpose. Was he supposes to keep hunting? Would there even be anything left to hunt? His gut had dropped when he got a reply from Eileen asking what had happened and what was the meaning of his frantic texts. He knew from his reaction that his feelings for her had been real, regardless of if they had been part of Chuck’s plan. He took off to go see her, to touch her face and assure himself she was alive. When he saw her and wrapped her in his arms, he told himself, _This, this is where I’m meant to be._ Sam had been in loved before, but all his previous relationship had been about him running away from something he didn’t want to face or about trying to live the life his brother wanted for him. But with Eileen, he isn’t running away from something, he is running to her. Eileen challenges him to be better. They are equal partners, who trust each other. Most importantly for Sam, Eileen is with him not because she needs him but because she wants to be with him. There isn’t a sense of obligation but rather a feeling of mutual respect and admiration 

Sam tries to find the words to tell Eileen all this when Jody and Donna walk into the library. The suspected rouge werewolf pack turned out to be more complicated than originally thought. Surveillance from Jody’s local contact, a Sherif Abrams, revealed the pack are nachzehers, or “were-pires” as Dean had once called them. The body count left by the pack is on the rise so backup is needed to help contain the carnage. The strategy is to identify and eliminate the Pack Leader so the rest of the pack will revert back to being human. To kill the Pack Leader, they need to use a Charon’s Obol, or ancient coin used as payment for the dead to cross over into the underworld. By putting the coin in the nachzeher’s mouth, they are reminded that they are dead so when their heads are cut off, they stay dead. Luckily, copper pennies can be used as the Charon’s Obol but unluckily, the pennies need to be made before 1982 to have a high enough copper content. Even worse, coins are hard to come by because of a national coin shortage. Who knew that was even a thing. In desperation, Donna ended up paying a local coin collector fifty bucks for a set of ten pennies from 1967. Sam had overheard her asking Jody if she thought she could sell them back as long as she washed them really well afterwards. 

The rise of the nachzeher’s nest is part of a troubling trend Sam is noticing. While the number of monsters is on the decline, they are seeing more cases of rarer monsters; monsters they thought they eliminated years ago. Furthermore, the way the monsters are organizing is evolving. History showed most creatures keep to small packs and hide in the shadows. But now, larger groups are forming and making themselves more visible to the world. Sam is seeing fewer cases of violence but the cases he is seeing are more violent as the rouge monsters are becoming brash and reckless. He hopes as long as the Network is diligent on tracking down the most violent monsters, they can keep the situation under control. 

As Jody updates the team about the mission and gives the latest news from Sherif Abrams, Sam’s eyes keep drifting over to Eileen whose thumbing the pages of the old book. He momentarily thinks he should ask her to stay here, that clearly she’s distracted with another case and he can call in local backup. But he doesn’t want to violate the agreement they have about trusting each other. He wants her to know that he has faith in her hunting skills and he won’t try to protect her when she doesn’t need protection. 

When the briefing ends, the team heads out to the garage to load out. Donna and Jody leave first as Donna has already prepped her truck for the trip ahead of time. Sam finishes packing up his Mustang as Eileen sits in the passages seat, still reading and re-reading from the notes in her black moleskin notebook. When Sam climbs into the driver seat, he turns to Eileen to see if she has any preference on where to stop for lunch along the way, but he can tell her mind is elsewhere. Instead, he starts up the engine and begins the drive to Oklahoma. 

The drive to Oklahoma City is eventless and they make good time. The signs of winter have faded and the sprinkling of wildflowers along the highway are evidence that spring has sprung. It’s just before sunset when Sam pulls off on an old dirt road and parks a quarter mile from the abandoned factor where Sherif Abrams has located the Alpha. Opening the trunk, Sam and Eileen suit up. Sam hands Eileen her gun and a long machete, which she holsters on her side. After tucking his own gun into his side holster, Sam closes the trunk. Sam tries to catch Eileen’s eyes, but she is too focused on prepping and performing her routine weapon’s check. He wants to close this sudden gap between them and ask about her progress on the translation, hoping she will give him some clues on what she is working on. But, as he is about to breach the subject, Donna’s truck pulls up beside them, kicking up dust and pebbles in their wake. 

Donna jumps out from the driver seat with her typical enthusiasm and she’s joined by Jody, who’s texting on her phone, likely checking in with her girls. Moments later, a large SVU pulls up and a women in a starchily ironed OKC Sherif uniform steps out with the attitude of someone who runs the show and knows it. Jody makes the introductions and Sam greets Sherif Abrams. Her strong handshake let him know she’s in charge and this is her town. Sam appreciates her confidence as she takes the lead. 

In total, they’re a team of five, which seems excessive, but extra sets of hands mean it’s less likely someone will get hurt or killed. Sam would’ve pulled in Dean for backup as well but when it came to calling Dean about the case, Sam couldn’t pick up the phone. It wasn’t because there was still friction from their disagreement about the Empty. Sam and Dean had their share of arguments over the past three decades, and that one didn’t even crack the top ten. No, Sam hadn’t called Dean about the case because Dean had moved on and Sam wanted to let him. 

The missions starts when Sherif Abrams pulls out a blue print of the factory and lays it out on the hood of her SUV. The entry points discussed in the earlier strategy meeting are marked with little red x’s. Jody and Donna are stationed on the front entrance. Sam and Eileen are assigned to take the back. Sherif Abrams is to cover the west side. Sherif Abrams emails each of them a copy of the factory blue print as well as a picture of the Pack Leader. The Pack Leader is a white male, 5’11” and 175 pounds. From the picture, Sam sees he has brown hair mixed with streaks of grey. In the picture his is wearing a cold, sneering looks and a glint of hunger in his hazel eyes.

After the briefing, the team move into their positions. Sam and Eileen walk silently to the back of the factory. The factory is mostly dark and most of the windows are broken, with sharp edges of glass jutting out from their frames like the crooked teeth of a great white shark. Sam peers in through one of the broken windows and spies three bodies on the ground. From this angle, Sam can tell they are sleeping, so they are likely turned nachzehers, resting before a hunt. The mission is to not engage with any potential nachzehers other than the Pack Leader in order to keep the body count to a minimum. Sam texts the details of the den to the team and a buzz of his phone alerts him to a text from Sherif Abrams saying she’s located the Pack Leader in the storage area in the west wing of the factory and she’ll wait for their backup before she moves in. 

Creeping like teenagers out past curfew, Sam and Eileen slip in through the back of the building. They pad quietly to the storage area, where they meet up with Sherif Abrams. Checking around the corner, Sam sees the Pack Leader from the photo. He is alone in the room, pacing back and forward while rubbing his hands together in the mannerisms of a feral animal waiting for its prey. While the team start to strategize their next move, another man in a tattered suit joins the Pack Leader by entering the room through a side door. The man drags a skinny preteen boy by the arm. The boy struggles against the man grip but isn’t strong enough to break free. 

The Pack Leader calls out in a husky voice “And what exactly is this Henry? A boy? A scared little boy? This is what you bring to me?.” 

“Dad,” pleas the boy, “What is he talking about?” The boy gapes at the nachzeher identified as Henry and as his father. 

“Sorry sir.” Henry whines, “People in town are starting to get suspicious, so it’s been harder to find new recruits.” His head is bowed, unable to look the Pack Leader or his son in the eye.

The Pack Leader hisses, “I don’t need children. What I need are soldiers. True soldiers. It will take sacrifice to build the army I am creating, so I don’t want to hear any more of your excuses. As I said after I turned you, you are in my pack now and I demand loyalty. So, when I ask for something, you get it for me, no questions asked.”

The stakes are higher now that civilian are involved and Sherif Abrams looks at Sam. She signals to him to make a distraction and she taps Eileen to follow her. 

Sam steps into the room and shouts, “Let the kid go.” 

The Pack Leader and Henry turn to face him. The Pack Leader looks Sam up and down, sizing him up. He points at Sam as he turns to Henry, “See, this is what I need. A soldier, not some whiny little child.” 

Sam walks around the parameter of the room, circling the Pack Leader. Both nachzehers turn to face him, with their backs to the side door. 

The Pack Leader remarks snidely to Sam, “So what do you say? Are you ready to join our team and become a true man? I can give you strength like you have never known. I can give you everything that the world has unjustly taken from you and so much more. All that I ask in return is unquestioning loyalty.”

Sam retorts, “Loyalty? That’s all. What about the cannibalism? Is that not included in the contract or do I need to read the fine print?” 

The Pack Leader huffs, “Ah, see, something happened, I don’t know what, but we longer need to feed. We can satisfy our hunger in other way, which has been so freeing. See, I no longer need to feast on potential recruits in order to survive. No, now I can grow my army and kill all those who get in our way.” When the leader smiles, Sam clocks the sharp teeth that jut out from underneath his snarled lip. 

Buying for time, Sam continues, “And when you ask for loyalty, am I to blindly follow you, no questions asked?” 

The Pack Leader cackles, “Questions? Thoughts? Doubt? They can be so tiresome. Isn’t it easier to let someone else do the thinking for you? Isn’t it better to just do what you are told?” 

Sam shakes his head, “I think I’ll pass.” 

“Suit your self.” The pack leader turns to Henry, “Bring him to me.” 

When Henry doesn’t move, the Pack Leader spits. “What did I just say about loyalty?”

Henry drops the boy’s arm he had been holding and the boy scurries to the back of the room. Sam watches Eileen and Sherif Abrams slide into the room and Sherif Abrams signals for the boy to wait outside. 

“Bring him to me now!” The Pack Leader barks out and Henry lunges at Sam. But before he can reach Sam, Eileen leaps into action, kicking Henry’s legs out from under him and he falls to the ground face first. Eileen jumps behind him and secures his arms behind his back using the cuff she pulls from her back pocket. 

The Pack Leader, seeing the commotion, turns to attack Eileen but is tackled by Sherif Abrams. As he lies on his back, winded, Sherif Abrams straddles him and shoves a handful of coins into his mouth. She mutters, “Keep the change,” as she springs back up to her feet. 

The Pack Leader begins to cough and spurt, making his way to his knees. Sherif Abrams reaches her empty hand out to her side and Sam tosses her his machete. With skilled practiced precision, she removes the Pack Leader’s head in one clean stroke and the dismembers head falls to the ground in a sickening thud.

Catching her breath, Sherif Abrams hands the blade, still dripping in blood, back to Sam. She exhales, “I always hate that part.” 

Sam tilts his head, “Then why do you do this? Why hunt?” 

Henry shakes his head like he is waking up from a bad dream. Panicking, he searches the room with his eyes. “Nathan! Nathan! Where are you?” He shouts, concern oozing from his voice. He struggles to stand with his hands still behind his back so Eileen removes the cuffs.

“Dad?” A timid voice calls from the doorway and Sam sees the boy peaking around the corner. 

Seeing his son, every possible emotion from relief, to regret, to joy, to sorrow, come out of Henry. “Nathan, oh Nathan, I am so, I am so sorry.” His body begins to heaves in sobs. The boy runs to him and Henry wraps his arms around his son like he will never let him go. 

Sherif Abrams turns to Sam and points at the pair, “That, that’s why I do this.” She pats Sam on the shoulder and walks over to the family. 

Because of the larger than normal team size, the clean up is easier but is by no means easy. Sam can already tell his back will be killing him tomorrow. Exhausted from the hunt but still wanting to sleep in their own bed, Sam and Eileen decide to drive back to the bunker rather than stay the night. They only stopping once at around midnight for coffee. They don’t talk as they drink in silence and Sam can feel the tension in Eileen. She’s hiding something from him and it aches at him when he thinks that perhaps she doesn’t trust him with her secrets. 

As they shuffle back into the bunker at 3 AM, drained from the day's events, Eileen is still not able to meet Sam’s eyes. He can’t take it anymore, so he gently grabs Eileen arm so he can face her. 

“Eileen, you seem distracted. Is everything alright?” 

Eileen looks up at him with her big brown eyes, full of anguish. “Sam, I think I’ve found something.”


	9. Over My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Over My Head” by Alabama Shakes**
> 
> _Signs, they explain it to me  
>  There's no joy I can take with knowing what's waiting  
> Here for now, but not for long  
> Where does my mind slip away? Explain that to me_
> 
> _I'm in over my head  
>  Loving so deeply, I'm in over my head  
> I'm in over my head  
> Loving so deeply, I'm in over my head  
> I'm in over my head  
> Loving so deeply, I'm in over my head  
> I'm in over my head  
> Loving so deeply, I'm in over my head  
> I'm in over my head  
> Loving so deeply, I'm in over my head_  
> 

Since returning from what she refers to as her “temporary vacation from this plane of existence”, otherwise known as the time that Chuck’s vanished her and the rest of the whole world from planet Earth for funsies, Eileen’s been on a mission. Well, more appropriately, her mission started the second Sam told her about Castiel being taken by the Empty. The problem is, there is very little information to find about the Empty. The bunker’s vast resources contain far more research about Hell. But Eileen doesn’t need a reference book to know what it is like there. She recalls the fire, the ice, and the pain. She doesn’t need a reminder. 

When Eileen returned from Hell, she was reborn. But her rebirth didn’t mean she forgot the torture she’d suffered. She wanted to talk about it with Sam, but that was complicated. While they’d both been “there", she couldn’t be completely honest about what she was experiencing because she didn’t want to appear ungrateful or worse, weak. Sam tried to get her to talk by telling her about his time in the cage with Lucifer. He shared stories with her and by the way he spoke, she wondered if he’d ever shared those stories with anyone. Still, she held back, not wanting to be too vulnerable. She needed time, so that’s what he gave her. 

On the evening after Sam almost died from Castiel probing his connection to Chuck through the equalizer wound, Eileen found herself restlessly wandering the halls of the bunker. She hadn’t expected to feel so strongly about the thought of Sam dying and being helpless to her emotions made her uncomfortable. Furthermore, she was uneasy about being reminded about death and what comes after. For her, her death would mean returning to the place she never wanted to go again. There would be no Pearly Gates for her. According to the rules of the afterlife, since her soul had already been sent to Hell, she could never go to Heaven. So, she had to keep on living, because dying was simply not an option. 

Deciding a cup of chamomile tea might help her rest for a few hours, Eileen headed to the kitchen to put the kettle on. She walked in to find Castiel sitting at the table. He was stooped over a very old looking book and was mumbling to himself as he wrote down his thoughts in a black moleskin notebook. Sensing her presence, he set down his pen and gazed up at her. 

Eileen signed, ”Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Castiel signed back, “No need to apologize, care to join?” Castiel waved at the empty seat across the table. He closed both books and pushed them to the side. 

Eileen sat down across from Castiel and asked, “Can’t sleep?”

“Don’t sleep.” 

Eileen shook her head and felt like an idiot. “Right, Angel. Forgot.”

”Sometimes I forget too,” and Castiel gave her a gentle smile. “What’s your excuse for not being in bed at this time of night?”

Eileen contemplated how much she should tell him, but realizing he’s an angel, she supposed there was likely some kind of rule against lying to him.

“Remembering things,” she paused ”Hell.”

Castiel gave her a knowing nod and his intense but kind gaze made her want to continue, so she did. “I can still hear it.”

Castiel slightly tilted his head and looked at her quizzically, so she elaborated, “My own personal torture. Hell gave me the ability to hear but the only sounds were of people screaming in pain and agony.” Eileen brushed a hand across her face and was surprised to feel tears. 

“You didn’t deserve that.”

Eileen let out a dry, humorless laugh, “Does anyone?”

Somehow, Castiel stern face turned even more serious and he signed, “No, no one does”

By talking about it, Eileen’s walls started to come down. But while she expected to crumble along with them, she found that she was still here and somehow, paradoxically, she felt stronger. However, she wasn’t quite ready to continue. Likely sensing this, Castiel stood up and went to the refrigerator to get two beers. He handed one of the beer to Eileen and she wondered if he’d picked up this gesture of emotional support from the Winchesters, specifically from one Winchester in particular. 

Eileen found the strength to continue, “Have you been there?”

“Hell? Yes.”

“And Heaven?”

“Yes,” and a sense of longing mixed with regret crossed Castiel’s face before he continued. “I’ve been to many planes of existence, Purgatory, the Empty.”

“The Empty?” Eileen had never heard of such a place. 

“Where angels and demons go when they die.”

“What’s it like?” Eileen asked before she realized she might be overstepping. She’d only met the angel earlier today and she was already probing into what was likely his own personal trauma. But she felt a strange kinship to him and he seemed open to continue. 

“Depends. The Empty is nothingness.” Castiel brow furrows, “If you are at peace, you are at rest.”

“And if you aren’t?” Eileen asked. 

“You relive your greatest mistakes as a sort of penance. Everything that you ever cared about, everyone that you ever loved, turns against you. Especially if you have infuriated as many cosmic entries as I have.”

“So, the Empty is like Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, in one?”

Castiel nodded.

“Your own personal torture,” Eileen signed. 

Castiel nodded again.

“Wow, we’re pretty messed up.”

“Yes, but we aren’t alone."

Eileen huffed and nodded, realizing he was telling the truth. 

Castiel took a sip of the beer and signed. “It helps.”

“What does?” Eileen asked.

“Talking about it.” 

With this, Eileen smiled. Having never encountered any angels before, she wasn’t sure if all angels were as melancholy as Castiel. He didn’t fit her expectation of an angel because the man that sat before her seemed more human than most people she knew. Sam mentioned that they had recently lost their surrogate son but the sadness in Castiel’s eyes seemed to be etched from years of struggle and anguish, not just new additions from recent tragedies.

Castiel signed, “Have you talked to Sam about your time in Hell?”

Eileen shook her head but that was the moment when she realized she might be ready to open herself up and let others in. 

Over the course of the next couple of days, Eileen found herself coming back to the kitchen at night, to find Castiel sitting at the table, always hunched over the same old book, taking notes after notes. And each evening, they shared a little bit more about themselves and a bit of their own burdens were lifted. It was Castiel who helped Eileen realize she could confine in Sam. The weight that she was carrying, it was too heavy for one person. Castiel had shown her how to open up to others, so she started to share more of herself with Sam. Their friendship, a bound shared over appreciation of lore and the drive to save people, had somehow evolved into sometime more over the years. The shift had been so gradual and natural, she didn’t realize how deep she was in until she was hopelessly lost. The comfort she took from his presence became less about needing a distraction and more about how much she simply enjoyed being around him. Which was why her world came crashing down when she found out that everything she’d been feeling had been a part of Chuck’s plan. Suddenly, she felt like a disposable side character in Chuck’s cruel play. She’d lost her autonomy and her free will. So, she ran because running was something she had gotten good at over her lifetime. 

Or at least, that was what she tried to do. But, she felt herself being drawn back to Sam. There was something there, something that she couldn’t leave alone. So she kept picking at it like a scab, not letting the wound heal. Against her better judgment, she kept in contact with Sam. She thought, _It’s just a text, it won’t lead to anything._ But then the text became just a video call, which became just a dinner, which became just a goodbye kiss, which eventually became something much more. She didn’t want to care this much but she was already too far gone to be able to turn back. 

Two month after she tried to walk away from Sam, she got a video call from Castiel. Her heart dropped thinking it was the call, the call no one wants to get, the call telling her something had happened to Sam and she was never going to see him again. Sensing her concern, Castiel made it clear that Sam was fine and that wasn’t why he had contacted her. But from the way Castiel was fidgeting on screen, she could tell something was wrong. 

“What’s happened?” Eileen signed.

“Nothing. Yet. But things aren’t looking good. The fight with Chuck, I don’t think we can win.” His despair was evident, breaking Eileen’s heart. She’d formed a friendship with this angel, so it was hard to see him suffering. 

“Is there anything that I can do?”

With sadness and regret, Castiel responded, “I have a favor to ask. I wouldn’t ask it of you if there was any other way.” 

Castiel took a deep breath before he continued, “The book you saw me translating, if anything should happen to me, I need you to burn it.”

“What? Why?” Eileen asked. 

“I was going to use the book to,” Castiel’s paused as he chooses his words carefully, “find something that I lost. But now I’m concerned if anything should ever happen to me, the Winchesters might use it to do something stupid and reckless that will get themselves killed or something worst.” Eileen knew he was referring to one Winchester in particular. The one Winchester who would do anything for those he considered family. 

Castiel looked at her through the screen with pleading eyes, “Please Eileen, if anything should happen to me, don’t let Dean get the book. He would risk everything and if he tries to do what I think he would do… I can’t be the reason… please promise me he won’t get the book.”

Eileen hesitated before signing back, "I promise.”

And so Eileen made a promise and with that one promise, she would betray everyone. 

When she heard about Castiel’s death, she knew what she needed to do. She tore apart the bunker. It took her weeks, but she finally found the book and Castiel’s notes. And that was how she betrayed Castiel. Rather than destroying the book, she read his notes. The old text was filled with page after page of complex codes and cyphers. However, Castiel’s notes gave hints on how the mystery could be solve and alluded to what kind of knowledge was contained between the pages. When she finally grasped the book’s true meaning, she knew not only could she not destroy it, she had to finish the translation. She needed to save Castiel. She couldn’t save her own soul but she could save him. When it came down to it, even though she was destined to go to Hell, she would still try to save those who needed to be saved. And that was how she betrayed Sam. She didn’t tell him she was looking for a way into the Empty because she already knew he would want her to stop. Now that he was responsible for the lives of some many hunters, he had become cautious and more judicious. But she couldn’t let him stop her, not until she figured out if there was a way. And that was how she betrayed Dean. She didn’t tell him he had reason to have hope. She betrayed his friendship by letting him live in agony, thinking all was lost. 

Eileen spent months deciphering the text, read and re-reading Castiel’s notes until she could deduce their meaning. She was stunned by what she found. The old book was a journal that had belong to Dante Alighieri, writer of _The Divine Comedy_ , which told story of the hero’s journey through Hell (Inferno), Purgatory (Purgatorio) and Heaven (Paradiso). According to the journal, _The Divine Comedy_ was inspired by Dante’s relationship with Beatrice Portinari. Historians believed Beatrice to be a muse for Dante, the unrequited love of his life. However, his journal made it clear she was something much more. Beatrice was an angel and she had revealed to Dante the inner workings of Heaven and Hell and everything between. For this, Dante worshiped her. But Beatrice had betrayed Heaven by divulging their secrets so she was killed and sent to the Empty as punishment. However, before her banishment, she disclosed the mysteries of the Empty to Dante. Dante hid the knowledge away in a journal, the very same journal Cas and then Eileen had so painstakingly translated. 

Eileen had done it, she had cracked Dante’s code and finished Cas’s work. Now, she had the difficult task of deciding her next move, having already betrayed Castiel’s wishes, betrayed Sam’s trust and betrayed Dean’s friendship. 

When Sam and Eileen returned from the Oklahoma City hunt and he asked her what was wrong, she knew that she needed to tell him. She needed to come clean. The time had come and there could be no more hiding. She led him to the library. Handing him the journal, she signed the simple words _“There’s a way.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter because 1) I thought Eileen deserved a more flushed out story and 2) because I love it when Supernatural draws parallels between biblical characters  
>   
> For Eileen, I wanted her to be a character that even knowing that she is damned to Hell, she still fights to do what she believes is the right thing. I feel the show kind of brushed over the fact that while she is alive now, they hadn’t really fixed the whole, she is still going to Hell situations. I think having that hang over her head would have made for more interesting plot developments. Also, I really like the idea of her being to one to figure out how to save Cas because 1) she isn’t doing it because she is in love with him, she is doing it because she feels he deserves to be saved and 2) there is someone else beside Dean who is fighting for Cas.  
>   
> Regarding the Divine Comedy (these reasons why I called this series the Divine Trilogy and used religious themed titles), I liked the idea of taking a famous story of Dante’s trips to Hell, Purgatory and Heaven and then asking, but what if there was a missing chapter? In the Divine comedy, Beatrice is an angel who shows the hero around heaven. I hadn’t realized that was based off a real person, and when I did, the thought occurred to me, OK, but what if she really was an angel? I will go into this concept a bit more in later chapters, but I do wish I had more time to develop this idea because I find it pretty interesting. So yeah, if anything wants to use it or has used it before, I would be interested to see it!  
>   
> Information about Dante, The Divine Comedy, and Beatrice Portinari 
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divine_Comedy
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dante_Alighieri
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beatrice_Portinari
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_(Dante)
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purgatorio
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradiso_(Dante)


	10. More Than a Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“More Than a Feeling” by Boston**
> 
> _I looked out this morning and the sun was gone  
>  Turned on some music to start my day  
> I lost myself in a familiar song  
> I closed my eyes and I slipped away_
> 
> _It's more than a feeling (more than a feeling)_  
>  When I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)  
> And I begin dreaming (more than a feeling) 

Dean wakes to being shaken and he gasps for air. His lungs burn and his throat is raw. Drowning, a particularly cruel death, even if it was just a dream. He opens his eyes to see Sam standing over him. On the table between them are the notes Dean had been reviewing about the Empty when exhaustion caught up to him.

Sam sits on the edge of the coffee table, “Napping in the middle of the day? You’re taking this retirement way too serious old man.” But Sam’s attempt at humor doesn’t fool Dean and he can sense Sam’s concern. 

“Shut up,” Dean snaps as he wipes the sleep from his eyes and tries to sit up. 

Tentatively, Sam leans forward. “You ok? You sounded like you were suffocating.”

“I was drowning,” the only words Dean can choke out. 

“You’re still seeing shadow realities?”

“Yeah, you’re not?”

Sam shrugs. “They come and go, but not so much anymore.”

“Good for you. Nice to know that you’re so well adjusted.” Dean rubs his hands across his face. Sam gets up to grab Dean a glass of water and then sits back down. 

Dean takes the glass from Sam but sets it down without taking a sip, “And what brings you here today?” 

“This,” Sam reaches into his bag and hands Dean an old book and a leather bound notebook. Dean opens up the notebook and his heart stops when he recognizes Cas’s small, neat handwriting and the distinctive way Cas mixes cursive and print, like he’s still adapting to modern times. 

Sam continues, “Eileen finished translating a journal that Cas was working on before… before he left. According to the journal, there might be a way to see into the Empty.” 

Dean stares at Sam, the gears in his head turning, trying to comprehend what he’s just heard. He manages to find enough words to asks, “Why are you showing this to me? I thought you were against this.”

“I haven’t been honest with you.” Sam takes a deep breath, “When I said I was seeing shadow realities, I wasn’t seeing my death. I was seeing yours.” 

“What? Why would you see my death?” 

“I think that was Chuck’s cruel plan all along. He wanted us to suffer. He wanted you to never get to experience life on your owns terms. To die bloody like you always thought you would. So my curse was to live a life without you. In my visions, I watch you die, unable to save you. I go on to lead the life you wished for me but one I no longer want.”

Dean sets the notebook on the table in front of him and Sam sits on the other side of the couch. “That's why I haven’t been pushing for you to come on hunts and why I didn't want you looking into the Empty. In one of my visions, you go into the Empty and you never come back.” 

Dean gets ups, needing to move. He walks over to the fireplace and picks up a picture frame. The frame holds a candid shot Dean took years ago of Sam, Castiel, and Jack on a case in Tombstone. Dean sets the photo back down. “Sam, I don’t know how to move on. Leaving Cas there. It’s unfinished business, my last mission.”

Sam shakes his head. “This is about more than a mission Dean, it’s about Cas.” 

Dean freezes. Sam slowly stands and strides over to Dean. “Dean, you can be honest with me. Cas, he’s like a brother to me and I miss him like hell. But I can see that his death has been a lot harder on you than it has been on me. You and Cas have always been closer, you’ve always had a different kind of bound.” 

Alarm bells sound in Dean’s head and he moves back to the couch to create space between Sam and him. He manages a defensive, “Come on man,” while attempting to brush off Sam’s words, struggling to hide his feeling, the same feeling that for years, he has been trying to hide from everyone, including himself and including Cas. Feeling that he hasn’t been able to put into words. 

Before Dean can further protest, Sam cuts him off, “I know I tease you, but I get it. You’ve had a rough life, which makes it hard to let anyone in. For the longest time, it was just the two of us. You’ve always been there for me because as my big brother, you felt the need to protect me. So I became an obligation and a responsibility. And I needed it, I was your kid brother and you gave up your childhood so I could have one.”

Dean tries to interject but Sam won’t let him. “But with Cas, he was never a burden. He was an angel, so you didn’t feel the need to protect him because you saw him as invincible. So you let him in because you thought you could never lose him. I think that’s why it’s so hard on you now that he’s gone.” Sam lets out a huff, “Part of me will always be a bit jealous of the fact you didn’t have a choice in having me as a brother but you chose to have Cas as your family.” 

Dean can’t hold it in any longer, “Sam, you have to know I wouldn’t want anyone other than you as my brother. You have to know I would do anything for you, right?”

“Anything? Like go to Hell?” 

“Yeah.” Dean rolls his eyes. 

“I get that and I want to be the brother that you deserve.” Sam rakes his hands through his hair. “But this is about so much more than just us. My fear is that in trying to save Cas not only will I lose you, I’ll destroy the world. Because, when it comes down to it, that is who I am. Even when I try to do the right thing, bad things happen. I already let Lucifer out of the cage, what other horrors will I unleash on the world?” 

Dean interrupts. “All that shit that happened, it wasn’t your fault. That was all part of Chuck’s plan and you can’t blame yourself for living the life he forced on you. I believe in your Sam and I know that you will always try to do the right thing, even if it pisses me off sometimes.” 

“Dean,” Sam smiles, “you’ve always thought the best of me and I am grateful for that. But it’s taken hearing it from other people, from people who are’t obligated to believe in me because they're my brother, to make me finally realize I am more than what destiny planned for me.” 

Sam picks up the notebook and flips through the pages. “My greatest weakness has always been that I’m the one who walks away. But I won’t do that this time. I won’t walk away from family and we’re going after Cas, because he’s family. So whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

Dean take the notebook from Sam and for the first time in months, smiles a real smile. “Well Sam, it looks like we have work to do.”


	11. This Is Why We Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“This Is Why We Fight” by The Decemberist**
> 
> _Come the war  
>  Come the avarice  
> Come the war  
> Come hell_
> 
> _Come attrition  
>  Come the reek of bones  
> Come attrition  
> Come hell_
> 
> _This is why  
>  Why we fight  
> Why we lie awake  
> And this is why  
> This is why we fight_
> 
> _When we die  
>  We will die  
> With our arms unbound_
> 
> _And this is why  
>  This is why  
> Why we fight  
> Come hell _

Sam’s eyes travel from the laptop in front of him to the engraved names on the library table. The brothers had moved Dean’s research operation to the bunker so they would have all possible resources at their disposal. Dean sits across from him, pouring over the translations of Dante’s journal. A nostalgic feeling washes over Sam. Just like old times, preparing for the next big mission. Most of the other hunters were out on various hunts so the only people in the bunker now are the brothers, Max Banes and Garth. 

Sam had kept in touch with Max after Max tragically lost both his mom and his twin sister, Alicia, to a malevolent witch in Rock River, Wyoming. Over the past few years, Sam would occasionally check in on Max under the guise of needing advice on a case. However, it was only recently Sam realized the true depth of Max’s witchcraft knowledge. Since his sister’s death, Max dove deeper into magical studies and now possessed magical expertise that could rival Rowena's. But his new prowess hadn’t brought him contentment because grief seeped out of him like puss from an infected wound. When Sam called Max about the spell for the Empty, Max continued to prod Sam for answers about what the Winchesters were planning and why. After hearing all the details, Max sighed in exasperation and said he would meet them at the bunker, saying that studying the spell would be a good excuse to get away, though he didn’t clarify what he needed to get away from. 

Garth’s participation in the quest for Cas was by happenstance. Garth had stopped by the bunker earlier in the day to drop off supplies for a pack of werewolves who were adapting to a life without hunting people. Part of the Network’s new strategy was that helping people is about more than killing monsters.Their mission to save people now included aiding those who the brothers would have at one time considered monsters. As Garth had demonstrated, just because someone is a werewolf, that doesn’t make them evil. Now that monster weren’t experiencing hunger, they could adjust to living alongside human. Garth’s life was evidence that to make the world a better place, the Network should work towards preventing monster attacks, rather than just willfully killing all non-human creatures. It was while Garth was dropping off the supplies as part of this new mission that the brothers told him about their plan to save Cas. So Garth decided to stay a few days to help for the sake of his son’s namesake.

Stretching from his hunched position, Dean breaks the silence. “Eileen did a great job on this translation. This must have taken her months.” Dean continues to review the notes, clearly impressed. “She’s a keeper. When is she going to make an honest man out of you?” 

“Dean,” Sam rolls his eyes.

“I mean it Sammy,” Dean suddenly looks serious. “I’m happy for you.” 

“I know,” but before Sam can continue, Garth and Max come in from the kitchen with Garth balancing a tray of sandwiches. In the well practiced Dad voice of a father of three, Garth calls out, “OK, time to put the research away because ya’ll need a break. Sandwich?” 

“Bess’s Grill Cheese recipe?” Dean asks, eyes lighting up.

“Of course,” and Garth hands Dean a plate with an ooey goey grilled cheese.

Sam huffs. “We must be missing something.” 

Sam rake his hands through his hair, letting his frustration show. His visions of Dean’s death have become more frequent and he doesn’t feel they are any closer to preventing it. 

Dean shoves a large bite of grill cheese into his mouth. “I don’t know man, seems like Cas and Eileen did a lot of the leg work for us. We just have to solve the few remaining pieces.” 

Garth hands Sam a plate, “Well, what do you know so far?” 

Sam clears his throat, “According to Dante’s journal, the Empty isn’t a completely separate plane of existence, but rather a plane of existence within our own. Basically, the Empty existed in the empty spaces between atoms in our world and the reverse is true, that our plane of existence existed between the spaces of the Empty. So, it is where these spaces comes together that each of the individual planes form. While the Empty itself could make tears between the planes like it did when it took Cas, Dante found another way in. Or rather, he found a way to see into the Empty through pathways in our plane that run alongside the Empty.” 

Dean hands Garth a photocopied sketch from Dante’s journal. The sketch looks like a rudimentary map made of twisting veins spreading out across the page. Sam clarifies, “It would be impossible for a human to survive the void of the Empty. So rather than going into the void, there is a way to get next to the Empty, using one of these pathways, in order to see inside.”

Garth looks over the map, “So how do you get into the pathways?” 

Sam continues, “Like Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory, there are physical doorway. One of the doorways is two hours East of the bunker, in a field outside of Beatrice, Nebraska. From what Dante wrote, the spell required to open the doorway is simple enough because the doorway was designed to keep out cosmic beings not humans.” 

Garth nods like he understand, “Do you know what you need for the spell?” 

Sam scans over his notes, “Mostly standard stuff we have around the bunker. But the three main components are a feather from a fallen angels, blood from a cured demon and a cherished possession of the being we wish to see.” 

Garth lets out a low whistle as he sinks into a nearby chair, “Finding those, that’s going to be a challenge.” 

Dean interjects, “Not really. A couple of ex-hunter friends of ours, Jesse and Cesar, acquired a fallen angel feather some years back in what turned out to be a very high stakes poker game. Eileen is headed to New Mexico now to pick up the feather and she should be back in a couple of days.” 

Dean shoves another bite full of grill cheese in his mouth before continuing. “As far as blood from a cured demon, well you’re looking at a source right here.” 

Sam shakes his head, “But Dean, Cas’s most cherished possession? What did Cas even own? The room we gave him here is still completely empty. He went into the empty with everything he ever had.”

“Not everything.” Dean fishes into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out what looks like an old cassette tape. He slides it across the table to Sam. “I found this in the glove compartment of his truck.” 

Sam picks up the tape and reads the label “Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx” scrolled on the front in Dean’s familiar script. “Dean, what is this?” Sam asks. 

Dean rolls his eyes and says dryly, “It’s a cassette tape Sammy.” 

“That’s not what… I know what a cassette tape is Dean.” Sam snaps back. “What I mean is, what we need is Cas’s most cherished possession, not yours.” 

“It was Cas’s,” and Dean clears his throat. “I gave it to him. It’ll work Sammy.” Pink flushes across Dean’s cheeks and Sam has to turn away in order to hide a grin. 

Garth breaks the silence as he claps his hands together, “Well, it sounds like ya’ll have everything under control. I don’t think there is anything else that I can do here.” 

Sam shifts nervously, not liking Dean and Garth’s casual approach to the mission. The spell that they were working on only got someone into pathways of the Empty. According to Dante’s journal, the trick wasn’t getting in but in getting out. The twist and turns of the pathways are an endless maze, making it easy to get lost and never return. Dante had managed to open the doorway only once, where his bound with Beatrice allowed him to glimpse her for a few seconds before he was pulled back to this world. The quest had been so treacherous, that Dante never attempted the journey again, fearing he would be lost forever.

Sam closes his laptop and picks up the journal. “We don’t have everything figured out. Sure, we know how to get Dean in, but what about getting both Dean and Cas out? The journal doesn’t say how Dante got out. And I haven’t seen anything in here that says if it is even possible for Cas to come back.” Sam shakes his head. “I don’t see how we can change fate, how we prevent Dean from going into the Empty and never coming back.” 

Garth speaks up. “What if you’re looking at this wrong?” 

Sam turns to him. “What do you mean?” 

Garth rubs his chin in a gesture of deep thought. “You’re thinking that this mission is doomed because it goes against Chuck’s plan. That you must defy the destiny you’ve already witnessed. But Chuck wasn’t just God, he was also writer.”

“You’ve lost me, Magellan.” Dean quips. 

“Think about it, defying fate, that’s impossible. But changing a story, that's doable. You’ve done that before.” Garth swivels in his chair and then continues, “We’ve established that you were the heroes in Chuck’s story, but he wasn’t able to control you. So the question is, why?”

Dean leans back in his chair and strokes his beard, a feature that Sam is still trying to get use to seeing on Dean’s face. “Chuck was an egotist. He wanted to be entertained, so he gave us free will. That was his downfall, letting us make our own choices.” Dean stretches his legs out, putting his feet across the chair next to him and crossing his hands behind his head. “Sam, you saw into Chuck’s plans for the other worlds, why did I die in those dreams but not here?” 

Sam recalls all the nightmares he’s witnessed in the past year, pushing past the walls he’s built in his mind to keep the visions out, when a realization dawns on him. “I’ve seen hundreds of possible ways Chuck planned for us to suffer, but in the end, they never felt real. They were terrifying and horrific, yes, but they didn’t feel like the real us. Maybe that’s because to get to the ending that Chuck wanted, we would have to make the decisions he thought we should make, not the decisions we would actually make. Perhaps that’s how we beat Chuck’s plan, we stay true to who we are, not who Chuck thought we should be.” 

Garth swivels in his chair. “So basically, Chuck saw you as characters but didn’t understand your character.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” Bewildered, Sam can’t believe it’s taken him this long to realize it. 

“And so all the choices that you made, Chuck didn’t predict because he didn’t understand how much you care for each other.” Garth leans back in his chair, crossing his hands behind his head, mirroring Dean, “So fundamentally, Chuck underestimated the power of love.” 

Dean scoffs. “Come on man, no chick flick moments.” 

But Garth just looks at Dean sincerely. “Dean, you don’t have to pretend with us. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. It just means you have the strength to let others close enough to you so they can either love you or hurt you. It’s ok to be vulnerable as long as you have to good judgement to know who to let in. And just so you know, we love you and would never hurt you.” 

A bewildered Dean is stunned into silence, so Garth continues. “Dean, it was your love and trust in your brother that gave Sam the strength to trap Lucifer in the cage. From all your stories, it seems like love is the one thing in the universe that Chuck didn’t have any control over.” 

Sam wonders if Dean regrets telling Garth the whole Winchester saga, but when Sam glances over to Dean, he doesn’t seem to mind what Garth is saying. Sam thinks, “That actually makes a lot of sense, that was the first time we changed the grand plan.” 

Dean kicks his feet off the chair and leans forward. “We messed with Chuck’s plan before that.” 

“What? When?” Sam brow furrows. “When you tried to stop me from breaking the final seal? When you defied Zachariah and the other angels?” 

“No,” Dean shakes his head. “When Cas told me how to stop you from making a deal with Lilith, that if I brought Chuck to the motel room, the arch angel would come. When I showed up to take Chuck, Chuck even said he hadn’t written that part.” 

Sam scoffed. “So it was Cas who started all this?” 

Dean let out a huff. “Chuck even told us so, he called Cas the angel with the broken chassis, the one who defied his plans. It was Cas, it was Cas all along.” 

Sam voice softens, “So Cas loved you, even then?”

Dean breaths in sharply and Sam knows he’s overstepped, breached on a sensitive topic. The “L word” has always made Dean uncomfortable. But Dean just sighs and shakes his head, “Dumb son of a bitch.” A slight smile crosses Dean face, “So, let’s break it down. Your vision of me going into the Empty, what exactly did you see?” 

Sam questions if maybe he’s already said too much, but he continues, “I see you, entering the Empty. I come running after you but I’m not able to stop you because I don’t get to you in time. You turn around and say ‘I’m sorry Sammy’, and that’s the last I ever see of you. I spend the rest of my life trying to chase down a way to get into the Empty to save you, but I never find a way.” 

“So in your vision, I go behind your back to go into the Empty?” Dean asks. 

“Yeah, because I don’t want you to go.” Sam answers. 

Garth bites into his own sandwich, “Hum, interesting.”

Sam ponders, “What if that means, to defy fate, I need to help you. That if I don’t and you leave for the Empty on your own, you’ll be lost. We know that the Empty is a maze and that Cas’s cherished possession acts as a kind of tracker to help you find him. So wouldn’t the opposite be true? That you need a beacon to come home. And what if that beacon is me?” 

Dean’s eye light up with hope as he asks, “Would that work? Do you know a spell like that?”

“No, but I think I might know where to find one.” Sam smiles with a strange sense of assurance. In his mind, he runs through the catalog of spell books in the bunker’s library. 

But a voice from the other side of the bunker breaks Sam’s concentration. 

“Are you kidding me? You have to be joking.” exclaims Max. Due to his silence, the group had all but forgotten he was in the room, but he’s presence is undeniable now, standing in the entry way, leaning against the wall. 

“What do you mean?” asks Sam. 

“Dean Winchester, the man who believes ‘What’s dead should stay dead,’ is going to yet again bring someone back to life.” Max snidely retorts with an eye roll. 

“It’s not like that,” defends Sam. “This situation, it’s complicated.”

“Is it? Is it really?” Max shakes his head. He moves over to the bar cart and pours himself a tall glass of whiskey. “Doesn’t sound too complicated to me. Sounds like he think he’s above it all. That he has some kind of special privilege, so the rules don’t apply to him.” 

Max takes a deep sip, letting the whiskey burn down his throat. He turns to scowl at Dean. “I think you’re going to quickly find out what it’s like to be just like everyone else. Stopping Chuck, sure you got free will, but now you have to live an ordinary life. That means actually dealing with loss. No more redos, no more take backs.” 

“I know loss Max. I’ve lost plenty of people.” Dean counters. 

“Yet, you always manage to get them back. I don’t think you’re ready to face the consequences of what it’s really like being one of us. You were right before, what’s dead, should stay dead. You can’t bring back what you’ve lost without losing something in return. I’ve learned that lesson.” 

“Max, what are you talking about?” Sam asks and based on the guilty expression Max’s wears, Sam wonders what Max hasn’t told them. Max had been acting stranger ever since he got to the bunker and he is clearly hiding something. 

Max sets the whiskey glass down on the table and glares straight into Dean’s eyes, “This angel of yours, why does he get to come back and not my mom or my sister? What makes him so special? Because, rumor has it, he was a bit of a screw up. Tried to take over the world, killed a bunch of his own kind, broke Heaven. So why does he get to come back when my family doesn’t?” 

“That’s enough,” Dean cuts in and Sam can tell his patience is wearing thin. 

But Dean’s mounting tension doesn’t stop Max, who presses on, “From what I can see, seems like your angel was ready to let you go.” Max leans against the table to stare down Dean, “Maybe you didn’t mean as much to him as you thought you did. Maybe angels aren’t even capable of feelings. Maybe they’re nothing but demons with a halo.”

Within a fraction of a second, Dean is on his feet and in four long strides, he has Max pinned to the wall. Fisting Max’s shirt, Dean sneers, “Say that to my face.”

Sam and Garth, initially stunned, jump in to intervene, pulling at Dean’s shoulders. But Dean doesn’t budge. 

“What Dean? Don’t want to hear the truth?” Max snarks. 

Dean takes three deep breaths before he releases Max and steps away. Raking a hand through his hair, Dean is visibly shaken and breathing raggedly.

Max continues to stare at Dean, but now Max’s tough exterior has broken and he voice begins to crack, “You’re reckless to do this spell. All magic has a price. You’ve read the journal Dean, you know how Dante felt about Beatrice. It’s so obvious that’s the secret and that’s the spells cruel twist. In order to find this Castiel, you have to love him with all your heart. But if that is true, if you really care about him that deeply, then you need to love him enough to let him go. He’s already gone Dean. Let him be free.”

Max sinks down into the chair in front of him and he begins to break down. 

“Max?” Sam asks gently. “What aren’t you telling us?” 

Sam places a hand on Max’s shoulder and Max cries, “It’s all my fault, I should’ve let her go. I just wasn’t strong enough.” 

When Sam turns around to check on Dean, he only catches a glimpse of his back as he retreats from the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are three main things I wanted to accomplish in the story so far and in particular this chapter
> 
> The meta of it all: For Part 1, I wanted to kind of gently call out the show runners and the network for giving an ending that didn’t feel right. I hint at establishing Sam as being from “The Network” side of things, thinking that if they brought back Castiel, they don’t know what the consequences would be and the safest bet is to just leave Cas there. For Dean, silence and not being able to speak will become a big theme that will continue to play out throughout all three parts. Sorry if it gets a bit frustrating, but I am a glutton for the drama :) So watch out for a lot of references to silence and distance. Furthermore, I want to reference the characters breaking free of the story and the narrative, which in this case is represented by their written destiny, which they saw in the dreams of the finale and their other ends.  
>   
> Garth is here to talk about your feelings: I wanted to address Dean’s feelings and for that, I needed Garth. In the show Garth seems to be the one who helps guide Dean along to some big emotional realizations in his life, so having him be the guide in this chapter was important to me.  
>   
>  Winchester Privilege: I wanted to address the inherent privilege that the Winchesters have had throughout the show. Yes, things have been tough for them but certain things always seem to play out in their favor if you get what I am saying. To address their privilege, I wanted to bring in Max as a good comparison. His character faced the death of a sibling just like Dean, but unlike Dean, his story didn’t turn out as well. I wanted to bring that up to at least acknowledge that yes, there is unjustness. On a deeper leave, as a white man, Dean has had more privilege than Max as a gay POC. Up to this point in the story, Dean has been considered a straight white male. Dean addressing and perhaps acting on some of those feeling that he is still working through (if you know what I am saying), may mean that he will lose some of the privilege that he has had and as Max said, will have to start understand what life is like as “one of us”. So yeah, these thoughts are prob way too deep for what I am trying to write, but was something I was thinking about. 
> 
> To all those reading, I really appreciate you and would love to hear your thoughts :)


	12. Ramble On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“Ramble On” by Led Zeppelin**
> 
> _I ain't tellin' no lie  
>  Mine's a tale that can't be told  
> My freedom I hold dear_
> 
> _How years ago in days of old  
>  When magic filled the air_
> 
> _'T was in the darkest depths of Mordor  
>  I met a girl so fair_
> 
> _But Gollum, and the evil one  
>  Crept up and slipped away with her  
> Her, her, yeah_
> 
> _Ain't nothing I can do, no  
>  I guess I keep on rambling_

Dean leaves the library before he says or does something that he can’t take back. He has no real destination in mind so when he ends up alone in the hall, he leans his back against the wall in hopes the cool surface will chill his anger. Dean shakes out his hands to stop his fingers from trembling. 

Dean let Max get to him, but Max’s words wouldn’t have cut so deeply if they didn’t ring of some note of truth. Dean had read and reread Dante’s journal and not just to better understand the Empty. Dante didn’t just write about the angelic secrets Beatrice shared. The journal gave insight into Dante’s relationship with Beatrice. Dante’s descriptions of Beatrice tumbles through Dean’s head. “Behold, a deity stronger than I; who coming, shall rule over me.” Dean recalls when he first laid eyes on Castiel and witnessed the raw power and strength of angels. Castiel stormed into Dean’s life in a shower of sparks and electricity and Dean was never the same. But it was only in getting to know Cas that Dean observed Cas’s greatest powers; his kindness, his selflessness, and his devotion. Dean could understand how Dante would have been awe struck by Beatrice’s angelic gifts, because Dean has spent over a decade being amazed by Cas. 

Dean leaves the library before he says or does something that he can’t take back. He has no real destination in mind so when he ends up alone in the hall, he leans his back against the wall in hopes that the cool surface will chill his anger. Dean flexes his fingers to stop his hands from shaking. 

Dean let Max get to him, but Max’s words wouldn’t have cut so deeply if they didn’t ring of some note of truth. Dean had read and reread Dante’s journal and not just to better understand the Empty. Dante didn’t just write about the angelic secrets Beatrice shared. The journal gave insight into Dante’s relationship with Beatrice. Dante’s descriptions of Beatrice tumbles through Dean’s head. “Behold, a deity stronger than I; who coming, shall rule over me.” Closing his eyes, Dean recalls when he first laid eyes on Castiel and witnessed the raw power and strength of angels. Castiel stormed into Dean’s life in a shower of sparks and electricity and Dean was never the same. But it was only in getting to know Cas that Dean observed Cas’s greatest powers; his kindness, his selflessness, and his devotion. Dean could understand how Dante would have been awe struck by Beatrice’s angelic gifts, because Dean has spent over a decade being amazed by Cas. 

But there was more to Beatrice and Dante’s story than a display of divine power. Dante grew to learn Heavenly secrets from Beatrice and for this, Dante became devoted to her. To Dante, Beatrice was an untouchable cosmic being, one he adored for her etherial beauty and purity, but one who was always out of his reach. There was a distance to Dante and Beatrice’s relationship, clear defined roles of the worshiper and the worshipped. Those same lines, the separation between Heaven and Earth, had blurred for Dean and Cas as over the years, they built mutual faith and admiration in each other. 

As evident in the journal, Dante revered Beatrice, but whether Beatrice reciprocated any feeling towards Dante was unclear. Because the journal was only written from Dante’s perspective, the reason why Beatrice had chosen him as the recipient of her angelic knowledge was unclear. Did Beatrice see potential in Dante to spread the word of God or did she see an opportunity to be worshiped and adored? Dean might have agreed with Max about angels not being capable of any true feelings, if it hadn’t been for Cas and if it hadn’t been for that night. That night when Cas had finally told Dean how he felt. That same night when Cas left him. Because that’s what happens when Dean cares about someone, they leave. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he wondered if Max was right, that if Dean cared about Cas, maybe he should finally let him go. 

Dean sighs and heads to the kitchen. Instinctively, he reaches into the fridge for a beer but realizing what he did, he groans and shoves the beer to the back. Grunting, he grabs a sparkling water instead. Dean pops off the cap when Sam walks in. 

“Perrier?” Sam asks.

“What, I can be fancy too, college boy.” Dean says sarcastically. 

“You ok?” Sam reaches into the fridge to grab a drink as well. 

“Sure, never better.” Dean replies dryly. 

“Dean.” Sam studies Dean. 

Dean throws up his hands. “What, what do you want me to say?” 

Sam heads over to the table and sits down. “Dean, I’m with you for whatever you need, but I have to ask, are you ready to go through with this? Max, though completely out of line, does have a point. We’ve never managed to bring back anyone we’ve lost without loosing something in return. I just want to make sure that you have considered what you are risking.”

Dean doesn’t have a response to this because Sam is right, all magic comes with a price. But he has no other option than to keep pushing on. 

Sam continues, “Dean, you’re getting your life together. You have permission to move on.” 

“Move on? Sam, I’m barely holding myself together. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I can try to get Cas back. If I stop…” Dean pauses, “I can’t stop. I have to keep living and fighting to find Cas because the last conversation we had… it can’t be the last time that I ever see him.” 

“Dean? What are you trying to tell me?” 

What was Dean trying to tell him? Sam has asked Dean over and over what happened the night Cas left. But Dean hasn’t been able to talk to Sam about it because he is still trying to process everything. Dean has spent hours deciphering Cas’s words and actions, to grasp their true meaning. Question ran in constant loop like the lyrics to a song stuck in his head. 

_Why did Cas do it?  
Why did Cas sacrificed himself?   
Why did Cas leave him, yet again?   
What did Cas mean when he said those word? _

But now Cas was gone forever, so Dean’s questions remained unanswered. 

Rolling the cold drink in his hands, Dean studies his brother and decides he owes Sam at least a small bit of the truth. “As long as I’m alive, I can fight to save Cas. But when I die, that’s it, game over, no way to save him. When I’m gone, we’ll be separated forever.” 

Dean lets out a humorless laugh, “You said you saw Chuck’s cruel plan for you, well I saw his plan for me. Not only do I die bloody, but when I get to Heaven, I can’t reunite with Cas. There’s always something separating us. I’m stuck on a lonely aimless drive, unable to find him in an instagram filter version of secluded paradise.” 

Dean leans against the corner and draws in another breath so he can continue, “That’s why I stopped hunting. I’ve seen what happens if I die before I can save Cas. That night can’t be the last time I ever see him. I just, I just need to see him one last time.” 

“You can’t believe that Dean? That you’ll never see him again.” 

Dean shakes his head. “You know how the afterlife works. Angels one place, people another. Put yourself in my shoes, what are you going to do when Eileen dies, knowing that she’s destined to go to Hell.” 

With this, Sam’s face snaps up. “What? No, I can’t believe that. I have faith that Jack has fixed things, that he will make sure that Eileen and everyone else will go where they deserve.” 

Dean bows his head mournfully, “I wish I had your faith.” Dean rubs a hand across his tired face. “How do you do it? How do you keep your faith after everything that we have seen?” 

“Because I have no other choice. If I don’t have my faith, then everything that we’ve done is for nothing.” 

Dean nods. He can understand faith, even if he doesn’t feel it the same way Sam does. Dean has faith that he will see Cas again, even if it is for the last time. 

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~

The next evening, well after midnight, Dean shuffles into the library. He decided to stay in the bunker for the next few days in order to fit in as much research as he can. Also, though he won’t admit it, he misses spending time with Sam and if this is to be his last mission, he plans on fitting in as much brotherly time as possible. 

Expecting to find the library empty, he’s surprised to find Max sitting at one of the tables, surrounded by books and magical paraphernalia. Since their altercation the day before, the pair had been purposefully avoiding each other, finding excuses to leave the room when the other enters. Dean strolls over to the bar cart and pours a splash of whiskey in a glass. He strides up to the table Max is sitting at and slides the drink to him. 

“Long night?” Dean asks.

Max glances up at Dean and then down at the glass. Taking the glass, he nods. 

Sam filled Dean in on everything that happened to Max after they left him in Rock River. Max made a deal that in exchange for his soul, he would be given the power to create a twig vessel in his dead sister’s image that would contain his sister’s memories. But the creature wasn’t Alicia and over the past few years, the creature had started to lose control, becoming violent and dangerous as the vessel had developed an insatiable hunger for human blood. Max was forced to keep her in a locked basement, unable to end the life of the creature that wore his sister’s face and spoke in her voice. Dean could see why this mission was so hard on Max. Yet another reminder of the cruel unjustness of his life. 

Dean sits across from Max, “We’re here for you Max. Whatever you need.” 

Sam already arranged for Jody and Donna to meet up with Max the day after tomorrow to take care of the creature. Max won’t have to do it alone and from here on out, the brothers would make sure that he never felt alone again. Sam was inquiring about Max’s deal and he had already reached out to Rowena to see what could be negotiated on Max’s behalf. 

Taking a sip, Max speaks into the glass, “It’s not fair.”

Dean lets out a sigh “You’re right. It’s not. You deserve a better life. I can’t bring back what you’ve lost, but know that you don’t have to face the life you do have alone.” 

Max just simply nods. “I have something for you.”

Max reaches into the cauldron and pulls out a familiar amulet, a gift from Sam that Dean had worn for years until Cas identified it as the key to finding God. Since then, the amulet has morphed from a sign of Sam and Dean’s brotherly bond, into a representation of the abandonment and betrayal of Chuck. 

Dean lets out a bewildered, “How did you,”

But Max cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “I have my ways.”

Max hold the necklace out in front of him and lets the amulet swing gently from side to side. “Sam told me about this amulet. A symbol like this, it’s powerful. For the beacon you need to stay tethered to this world, you require something that strong. I’ve charmed it so it’s no longer a link to Chuck, rather, it ties you to Sam.”

Dean take the necklace and puts it on. The necklace feels lighter, like it is somehow no longer holding the same weight as it did before. Dean touches the metal, expecting it to be cold but is surprised by its warmth. 

Dean smiles down at the amulet. “Thank you Max.”

Max closes the book he was reading and downing the last of the whiskey, stands to leave. He nods to Dean and exits the room. At the doorway, he turns back to Dean. “Be careful Dean. If what comes back isn’t the same Castiel, you know what you have to do. Losing him a second time will be even harder than the first.” 

But Dean already knows this. With each of Cas’s deaths, Dean’s heart tore in half and he doesn’t know how many breaks he can take before his heart crumbles into dust. 

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~

Dean loads the last of the supplies into Baby’s trunk. Eileen had returned a couple hours ago with the feather and Max had reviewed the spell one last time, giving it his final seal of approval. All that is left to do is to open the doorway and find Cas.

Scanning the walls in the bunker’s garage, Dean ticks off a mental list of everything they could need. Experience taught him that no matter how much they planned, the unexpected was sure to happen. Dean shrugs and shoves an extra flashlight and a spare first aid kit into the front pocket of his backpack, not sure when he morphed from a roguish, rough around the edges anti-hero into a boy scout, trained to alway be prepared. 

Dean shouts at his brother to hurry up and Sam strolls into the garage with Eileen following close behind. Wanting to give them space, Dean settles into the drivers seat and picks out a mix tape for the drive. All pre-trip adjustment in place and feeling impatient, Dean is about to honk the horn to hurry the lovebird along, when he sees Sam pull out the key to the bunker and hand it to Eileen. Looking stunned, she nods and they embraces. Pulling away slowly, Eileen turns to leave the garage. 

Dean clears his throat as Sam gets into the passages seat, “Eileen’s not coming?”

Sam clicks on his seat belt and pulls up the directions to the doorway’s location on his phone, “Nope, not this time.” 

Dean nods and starts up Baby. As he pulls out of the garage, he interjects, “I’m no expert, but pretty sure if you’re proposing to someone, you’re supposes to get on one knee.” 

“Shut up Dean.” Sam says as he rolls his eye. 

Dean laughs and as he turns onto the dirt road behind the bunker, he cranks up the volume and “Ramble On” blares from Baby’s speakers. 

~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~

The drive is pleasant and Dean feels like his old self, heading out on a hunt with Sam by his side. The location of the doorway is close and within a few short hours, Dean is standing in a field, using his phone to line up with the coordinates from Eileen’s notes. To his right, there is an abandon barn, worn down from years of neglect. Behind him is a tree line, leading to a heavily wooded area. The sun has started to set and an icy breeze cuts through the field from a cold front moving in from the North.

With a grunt Sam drops off the last of the supplies, the secluded field a decent hike from the road. “That’s everything. Is this the place?”

Dean nods, “Yep, let’s get to work.” 

The brother’s busy themselves with the spell prep. Sam kneels down on the ground to mix the ingredients for the spell in their well used caldron. His hands move confidently and Dean thinks Rowena would be proud of her protege. Sam is finishing up on the final step when he stops, so Dean asks “What’s up Sam?” 

Sam mumbles, “Nothing.”

“Sam, I know I’ve been pushing you about this, but if you aren’t sure, if this doesn’t seem right, I won’t do this. We will look for another way. I trust you.”

Sam takes a deep inhale, “You going into the Empty, in the end that’s your choice and I’ve come to accept it. But Cas chose to go into the Empty too. He sacrificed himself to save you, to save the world. In trying to save him, are we taking that away from him?”

Dean shakes his head. “Cas didn’t just sacrificed himself to save the world. He did it because he doesn’t think his life is worth fighting for because he doesn’t believe that he should get what he deserves.”

“What makes you think that?” 

Dean could tell Sam about Cas’s deal with the Empty, a deal Cas made knowing the Empty would take him when he allowed himself to be truly happy. Why else would Cas have made that deal unless he thought he didn’t deserve to be happy and he could never have what he really wanted?

Dean clears his throat. “Because it’s how I used to see myself. It’s the same reason it was always so easy for me to sacrifice myself before. But Cas deserves to know that there is someone who will fight for him. If I can’t save him and if I can’t bring him back, I at least want him to know that I tried.” 

Dean reaches out his hand and helps Sam to stand. “And Sam, I have every intention of coming back, because I now know I have something to fight for here, a life that I deserve.” 

The tension in Sam’s face eases and he drops the feather into the caldron. “You ready?”

Dean studies his surroundings, attempting to ground himself. Remember this place, come back to this place. He takes a deep breath. “As ready as I will ever be.”   
Sam throws a match into the caldron and purple flames irrupt from the metal surface. Dean watches as the plastic case of the mix tape bubbles and melts away. He makes a mental note to make Cas a new one. Dean takes a breath and reads out the incantation. With a low rumbling sound, the earth begins to shake and Dean and Sam are knocked to the ground. The earth in front of them splits open and from below, a large stone wall, over 9 feet high rises up. With a sizzling sound, glowing symbols etch into the stone, illuminating an archway.

Dean lets out a gasp, “It looks like the doorway to the mines of Moria.”

Awestruck, Dean turns to Sam. Dean clears his throat and puts on a serious face. “Didn’t know the universe was such a big Lord of the Rings fan.” 

“Didn’t know you were such a big Lord of the Rings fan.” Sam responses dryly and Dean just shrugs. Dean finds his footing and Sam stands next to him.

“Here goes nothing.” Dean ambles up to the doorway, trying to contain his glee. When he gets close, the stone doors sling open revealing a dark, deep, void of nothingness. A cool breeze escapes through the space, blowing past him. He turns back to Sam who instinctively tosses him a flashlight. Dean catches it and nods back. “See you when this is over.” 

Holding the flashlight in his left hand, Dean pulls out his gun. With the gun and flashlight held out in front of him, he steps into the space, walking tentatively through the doorway. Once inside, the door slams shut behind him and he is left in dark nothingness. His senses are completely useless. He sees, smells, hears and feels nothing. The flashlight illuminates nothing because there is nothing to illuminate. 

“Cas!” Dean calls out, stumbling forward, disorientated by the darkness, “Cas, can you hear me?” Fear creeps in. He’s trapped and there’s no where to go. Dean concentrates on an image of Cas in his mind. He thinks about the year he spent searching for Cas in Purgatory. He didn’t give up hope then, so he won’t give up on hope know. 

“Come on Cas, where are you?” Dean mutters under his breath. Shuffling forward in the darkness, he bumps into an invisible barriers and is forced to back track by feeling his way along unseen walls. There are places were the wall feels hard and dense like the exposed stone on the side of a mountain. Yet, in others places, the wall is so thin and fluid, if feels like he is touching the delicate skin on the surface of a spilled pool of water. It is when he is near these areas that Dean is the most cautious, nervous that he might push too hard and fall into the void of the Empty. 

After hours of fumbling helplessly in the dark, Dean senses something in his chest, something pulling at him and tearing at him deep inside. The pain is excruciating. He’d felt something similar going through the portal of Purgatory. Dean realizes he is being expelled from this place or at least part of him is and he is running out of time. 

“Cas,” Dean calls out horsely. Then in the darkness, he sees something in the distance and he recognizes a form hunched over on his knees. Dean sees the tan outline of Cas's ever present trench coat. But the figures’s coat and clothes are torn, like he’s survived a hell hound attack or maybe something worse. Dean holster his gun and drops the useless flashlight as he sprints to Cas’s side. But, he stops before he reaches him. Despite Dean’s calls, Cas’s focus remains unbroken from the space ahead of him. 

“Cas, can you hear me?” Dean urges.

Cas’s eyes don’t sway and he continues to glare into the space in front of him. “I am not falling for any more of your tricks.” 

After all of these months searching and hoping, here Cas is, finally in front of him and Dean doesn’t know what to do or say. Focused solely on finding Cas, Dean hadn’t thought what he would do when at last he saw him again. Dean hadn’t prepared for what words he wanted to say, not being able to think about the words he had never spoken out loud. He thinks perhaps he will know what he needs to do if only Cas would look at him. 

Dean kneels down beside him, “Cas, it’s me, Dean.”

Still not facing Dean, Cas spits out, “You can’t fool me.”

“Cas?” Dean reaches out to towards Cas’s shoulder, unsure if he can even touch Cas. Knowing there is no turning back now, Dean breaks through the thin barrier separating the two of them and when his skin makes contact with Cas’s exposed skin, Dean’s hand burns like fire or maybe like ice. The sensation radiates through his body. In pain but still gripping Cas, Dean's free hand grabs at the amulet around his neck. Air rushes past him, like he’s being pulled through space but he doesn’t let go.


	13. 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **“42” by Mumford and Sons**
> 
> _Where do I turn to when there's no choice to make?  
>  And how do I presume when there's so much at stake?  
> I was so sure of it all_
> 
> _But what if I need you in my darkest hour?  
>  And what if it turns out there is no other?  
> If this is our last hope  
> We would see a sign, oh  
> We would see a sign_

Sam paces, moving to keep warm as another icy wind rips through the field and the flames in the caldron flicker. He checks the time again. 10:14 PM. Dean still hasn’t returned. How long did Dean need? Maybe times moves differently in the Empty. The year Sam’s soul was in Hell had felt like a hundred and Cas had often described how time moved differently in Heaven. But Dean’s year in Purgatory was a year on Earth. So what about the Empty? How long was too long? At what point would Sam know that Dean and Cas weren’t ever coming back?

Sam thinks back to his conservation with Eileen before leaving the bunker. She was prepared to go with them and was upset when Sam asked her to stay. 

_“You can’t ask me to stay Sam.”_

_“Please Eileen.”_

_“Is the a punishment, for me not telling you about the journal sooner?”_

_“No.”_

_“Then why can’t I go?”_

_“If what comes back isn’t Cas, I don’t want you to be there for what I might have to do.”_

_“Sam, you can’t think that.”_

_“And it’s more than that. Eileen, if something goes wrong and Dean and I don’t make it, the Network is going to need someone running the operation. If everything falls apart, the Network can’t lose both of us.”_

_“What are you saying?”_

_“Eileen, I want you to have the key to the bunker. You have all the same rights to be here as I do. This, all this is yours, but only if you want it.”_

Sam gave Eileen the key and she took it with the promise to keep the operation going if anything should happen to him. Sam was trying to prepare for the worst case scenario but he still had to have hope that Dean and Cas would return. Sam still had faith. 

Sam studies the caldron, the once large flame dwindling. They were running out of time. Sam moves to the doorway. He can’t let Dean and Cas be lost to the Empty. They were his brothers, his family and he isn’t going to walk away. 

When Sam reaches the archway, the stone doors swing open like they had for Dean. Inside, he see nothing. “Dean!” Sam shouts into the void, knowing that his calls are likely useless. But before he can step inside, he hears a crackling sound and then a flash of light. A powerful wave of energy throws him backwards, away from the doorway. When he opens his eyes, he sees Dean laying on his back, head turned to the side and eyes closed. A few feet away, Cas is crumpled on the ground and not moving. With a pop, the fire in the caldron goes out. The glowing markings on the doorway fades and the stone wall crumbles, filling the crack that had opened in the ground. 

“Dean!” Sam coughs out and slides next to Dean’s side. 

With a grunt, Dean opens his eyes. 

“Thank God,” Sam mutters out.

Dean grimaces as he sits up and places a hand to his head, “Don’t thank him. This was all his fault.” Dean’s other hand is clutching the amulet around his neck but when he lets go, the amulet crumbles into dust, having served its final purpose. The brothers stare at each other in shock. Dean starts to looks around and when he see Cas’s motionless body, he runs to his side with Sam close behind. 

Cas lays still, his face covered in bruises and scratches. His clothes are torn with his trench coat, jacket and shirt in ribbons. The large tear of the sleeve on his left arm reveals a red handprint on his left shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, Sam sees Dean inspect his own hand, which is covered in a flaming red blister.

Dean slowly crouches next to Cas, hesitant in his movement. “Cas,” he quietly whispers. “You in there?” 

Underneath the torn pieces of fabric, Sam notices goose pimples on Cas’s skin. “Is he cold?”

Dean shakes his head.“Angels don’t get cold.” Nonetheless, Dean takes off his jacket and wraps it around Cas’s unmoving frame. Dean moves the back of his hand close to Cas’s nose and lets out a sign, “He’s breathing.” 

When a soft grunt comes from Cas, both brothers jumped back in surprise. Gradually, Cas begins to stir and he works his way to sitting upright, guided by Dean. 

“Cas,” Dean grabs both of Cas’s shoulders and wraps the jacket more tightly around him. Dean’s hands are slightly trembling, but they move to cup Castiel’s face, “Cas buddy, you in there?” 

Cas glares at Dean and Sam with an icy, stern expression and Sam backs away cautiously. Dean stands and extending a hand out, he pulls Cas to standings. Cas still eyes the brothers coldly. 

When Cas finally speaks, it’s little more than a whisper. “I don’t remember this memory.”

“Memory? Cas, this is real. You’re home via a Dean ex machina.” 

Cas shakes his head. “This isn’t real” With a swift motion, Cas shoves Dean to the ground and kicks Sam in the groin. Cas tosses off Dean’s jacket and runs into the nearby trees. 

Sam doubles over in pain. 

From the ground, Dean exhales, “What the fuck just happened?” 

But Sam knows. There was always going to be a price that must be paid, the balance needing to be redeemed. They were about to find out what Cas’s redemption had cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that I know are likely frustrated with how slowly certain plot lines are moving, I will leave you with Stevie’s wise words, “The trick? Low flame. Don’t rush ‘em.” So please stick around, hopefully it will be worth it. 
> 
> See ya’ll in Part 2.


End file.
